2020 where has it gone? Oh right we are still circling the drain with this one. I think as a collective society this year is one where you just look back and go WTF just happened? I think I said the same thing about last year actually, lol. I feel like I stepped in shit and can’t get it off my shoes...that’s a fair way to sum up this year. This shit is stuck to us and we can’t escape it. I feel as though as I am living in a circus watching as decision makers use us as puppets, as literally everything has become politicized. Cue vomit emoji & plead for common sense and understanding.
For months I
have written, saved, deleted, written, forgotten, and then just got stuck. At
the start of the pandemic and everything else that has happened since, everything
became ‘judgy’ and if you didn’t do X,Y, Z then you were…you guessed it…judged. I lost a
bit of desire to even write because of it. Yet, then I wondered WHY do I even
care? I never cared in the past so why do I care now? I mean, seriously and
truly, we can all have differing views on everything but we don’t need to go
down people’s throats disagreeing with them, their beliefs, and how they choose
to deal with everything that all started with ONE person eating a bat???? I’ve
often wondered what it would be like to be patient zero – in fact, I’ve thought
about this a lot once I’ve consumed my medicinals late in the evenings,
lol. ALL this shit due to a damn BAT??!!
I never was a fan of bats but now I utterly hate them. I’m sure “Bob the bat”
never thought he would change the living world as we know it… should have been
the year of the bat.
Now we are
into the part of the year where we have stopped hoarding mass amounts of toilet
paper, hand sanitizer, or craft supplies, and into the part where everyone has
a differing opinion on everything and suddenly every living creature has an
expert opinion on this pandemic! We have a mass amount of graduates this year
from Dr. Google PhD. Not sure when they graduated but they are ready to give
their “expert” opinions in a hot minute. Then you provide scientific facts and
their amazing counter argument is: agree to disagree…ummm…ok, but science is
science. Sometimes I wonder WTF is happening to the world in which we live?
Common sense is as rampant as…well…it’s not rampant and that’s the problem.
Common sense has sailed away…likely on that Princess Cruise line. For those of
us living with advanced cancer I’ll tell you the worst has happened. We are
living on a timer as is, doing therapies that are toxic AF, but we do it
because we want to LIVE. Let me give a little perspective on how this pandemic
impacted me, and many others with cancer…
This
pandemic put a serious pickle jam into my plans. I know I know everyone will
say: “no shit Sherlock do you know how it impacted me?” Yes, yes I know.
HOWEVS, for many advanced cancer patients, this halt in everything may have
been what ended their lives. This disease is always about treading water and
simply trying to stay afloat before the next wave hits you. The hardest part of
this pandemic for me was watching as the world shifted to COVID research and
cancer research took a massive backseat. Many clinical trials stopped enrolling
patients and, in turn as a result, many succumbed to the disease. THIS has been
the hardest part of the pandemic for me. The isolation that many with advanced
cancer already feel became heightened and worse. For some, they planned their
bucket list vacations, only to lose not only a substantial amount of money but
also the very last opportunity they had to take a trip. Ever again. You see,
for many, the pandemic was simply the last roadblock to living that sealed
their fate towards death. This pandemic was never about “The Pandemic” for many
of us.
For those
that have died, there were no funeral services. Some died alone. Nobody there
to hold their hand. The death of a respected and amazing young mom just the
other day was my tipping point. HOW can we possibly allow anyone to die alone?
HOW? I can’t find the words to express my anger and disbelief that this was
allowed to even occur. Families never got closure for their loved ones death. Allowing
a young child to see his mother before death is not closure. It’s TRAUMA that
he will need to live with for the rest of his life and there is nothing even
remotely ok about this. Yet, it was done and it’s over. It’s not televised
because it does not fit the mainstream media’s narrative which is all about
politics and COVID – Selfish and self promotional. That’s it. Those that have
suffered unimaginable loss had their grief contained to the four walls of their
home because people couldn’t gather to offer support. Let that sink in. I know
we can quantify the number of deaths from COVID, but what if you could quantify
the psychological distress that we have created? We have mentally tormented
many and left them spiraling in grief. But, we gotta keep people safe from
COVID? Our reality is distorted and people are suffering immensely as a result.
Don’t get me
wrong, I fully understand the magnitude of this virus, but at this point I’m
left to wonder about the real toll this pandemic has taken on all of us. Cancer
screening took a hit and I can’t help but wonder the death rate we created
because our world took a hard stall and froze to delve into everything COVID
related. I can’t help but wonder why cancer research never felt as urgent as
COVID research? “It’s so we don’t overwhelm the healthcare system/the
hospitals” they said. OK. They placed a temporary tent-like structure to deal
with the influx of COVID patients at one of the hospitals in our city. It has
since been dismantled as it wasn’t even used. However, we are building a
massive cancer centre that is as big as a large hospital because cancer cases
are through the roof and we have completely outgrown our current centre…we
outgrew it many, many years ago (I mean like over 20yrs ago). Unfortunately, I
feel more so that as a society, we have reached such complacency that we just
feel we have some form of control over developing cancer. That’s about the
biggest myth out there or is it because it isn’t contagious that people live in
a delusional state of assumption that it can’t happen to them? When stats show
almost 50% of the population will get cancer at some point in their life, I
would think the urgency would be greater. When I see the daily count of people
who got COVID in our province I can’t help but think, why dont you show the
picture of every child diagnosed with cancer? You want perspective? In our
province, according to the Canadian Cancer Society & the Gov’t of Canada
stats, in 2019 alone, approximately 19 people died of cancer. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
If you look at the most populated province of Ontario, the cancer deaths are approximately
81 DEATHS. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Nobody cares. It’s a complacency I truly hope
people wake up from before they become a part of this statistic.
During the
height of the pandemic I had scans. I went alone as the hospital didn’t allow
visitors. I have been on the same oral chemotherapy now for almost 5yrs and
really had no reason to think anything would be any different. I went to my
scan results alone because, again, they didn’t allow visitors, but if you were
celebrating the happiest day of your life by giving birth you could still take
your partner. Hmmm…really? So happy times are exempt from this highly infectious
virus? Those in the depths of hell, so sick from treatments and the disease
ravishing their bodies, need to do it alone? WOW. That was the biggest disservice
we could have ever done. Inhumane really. Loved ones sitting alone in their
cars in the cancer centre parking lot waiting for their loved one to come out.
Cancer is the pandemic of lowest priority. And then I heard the words that my
current treatment was no longer working. Say whaaaat???!!! The SBRT I did to my
sternum one year prior did not work the way we had hoped. Apparently, this
happens to less than 5% of people…oh how I fucken love numbers…and cancer… and
all the shitty stats one falls under. Truthfully, the ONLY good thing to come
of this pandemic has been the free parking at the hospital. That’s about it. Correction:
They are now charging for parking again, lol. Not sure why they think touching
these machines when flu season is around the corner is the way to go but
welcome to our profit driven world and NO, not a dime you pay for parking goes
into our healthcare system. Moving forward, treatment-wise, I decided to go on
T-DM1/Kadcyla (drug conjugate which binds Herceptin to a potent chemo called
Emtansine). Side effects and all the deets on this therapy I’ll discuss in
another post otherwise this one will keep on going and that’s not the
purpose of this post.
This year
has been hard as I am sure it has been for many. I’ve found some who use the
pandemic as an excuse for everything, whilst I have never really been scared of
this virus. I do all the things that they recommend – wearing a mask, hand
washing, social distancing, etc… I have already heard the worst news one can
hear and I choose to live my life with perspective. Perspective that I literally
have not known one person, personally, who died of COVID, but innumerable number
of friends who have died from cancer. Sometimes on a weekly basis. And sometimes
so unexpectedly that I can’t quite grasp how or why…or if this will ever get
better? Perspective that the couple people I did know recovered from COVID with
no lingering consequences, and yet those living with stage IV cancer are still
on some form of therapy for the rest of their lives, whilst remaining isolated
even further. I think perspective can help us see that there has always been a
horrible pandemic that has inflicted our society for millions of years and
that’s called cancer. We are dropping like flies over here, but our biggest
concerns have been reopening bars and strip clubs and then we panic when 4 more
people have been diagnosed and we hurriedly go into panic mode? Here’s a
thought, bars and strip clubs are somehow essential but the future generation’s
education is not? Is this seriously the fu*^ed-up world we live in? If we
aren’t worried about children’s mental health and the detrimental impact we
have created by having an overly media obsessed frenzy over everything COVID
COVID COVID, then God help us all. Perspective needs to be placed on COVID
screening and the impact that has. YES, when we test 6,455 people in a 24hr
period and have 7 new cases, why is this even on the news? I would hope basic
math is something we can still do and hasn’t been lost in the hysteria of “breaking
news headlines”. That is less than 1% of that population. LESS THAN ONE
PERCENT. Hey, here’s a nice lil comparison: If we were to tell everyone in our
province to have some form of cancer screening tomorrow, do you know what would
likely happen? We would see a large increase in cancer cases. SHOCKING!! Ya,
not so much. We can instill fear by talking about new cases or you can switch perspective
by giving out the percentage of people who have recovered. You know that whole
glass half full or empty shit?
We all balance
and assume risks - Every. Single. Day. When we get in our cars and drive
somewhere – we assume risk. When we go for a walk – we assume an element of
risk. Right now, I feel we have disproportionally balanced risk over benefit and
the toll this will have will be far worse than what the media is reporting in
regards to COVID deaths. We need to see that this isn’t only an issue that
equates to ONE cause. This is simply what is above the surface. It’s what lays
below that we are ignoring that is the REAL problem and we need to start to
open our own eyes. People not seeking medical attention in a timely manner for
cardiac issues, cancer screening, & the toll on mental health which I feel
is horrifying and will far outlive this COVID pandemic. According to the NCI,
cancer remains one of the leading causes of death worldwide. In 2012 alone, 8.2
MILLION people died of cancer worldwide. 8.2 MILLION in ONE YEAR. Oh, and
according to the World Health Organization in 2018, 9.6 MILLION died of cancer
globally. You see how much that number is increasing??? This number continues to
increase and cancer has been around for MILLIONS of years, yet we have normalized
it. It has become a disease where people give off the cuff remarks as soon as
one is diagnosed such as; “Did you smoke?” or “Did you breastfeed and have babies
young?” We literally try to find a reason to place blame on the patient as if they
had any control over their rogue cells. Is this the way in which people look
for immunity from this disease?
At this
point, I think we all need to evaluate our own risks and assess what is best
for us and STOP attacking others behind a damn keyboard if their actions don’t
align with yours. I can’t help but think back to my grandparent’s generation and
think about what they all lived through – Wars, the Great Depression, the Spanish
flu, Communism, etc… I think they dealt with it like a bunch of adults without
all the “stuff” we have today to simply complain. There was no Instagram to
post about your current feelings or what random crap one ate that day. NO, they
just dealt with it. Without all the hoards of technology we have today to sit
around and whine and complain every second there’s a news story that we don’t
agree with. Great. Don’t agree but can we get back to civility? Our obsession
with technology is eroding our common sense. How about build some resilience
into our future generations as opposed to creating fear and impending doom? We
are becoming passive aggressive assholes on social media and what does that accomplish,
other than prove one is an asshole? None of us knows what the future holds, but
I chose to let fear go on this one because perspective opens the door to my
reality and I refuse to live in a shell fearful of all that I have zero control
over. Treat people with dignity, keep your opinions to yourself when you know
nothing about somebody’s personal circumstance, and let’s see if we can get
back to humanity, decency, and self respect. Perspective is a beautiful thing
but only if you choose to open your eyes, take a deep breath, and see it.
