I said things, and apparently did things I don't remember!!!! Like at all!!!! I'm surprised my poor family didn't murder me because I was not an easy person to be around. My husband reminded me of the loving wife I was this past week when he told me what I did while under the influence of this drug. I apparently threw my thermal heat pack right at his face and told him, and I quote, "warm my fu*k*n heat pack cause I'm in pain! and remember I'm the one with fu*k*n cancer." Umm... I said that, and did that??!!!! That is not me, and I'm sooo ashamed that I even acted like that. However, I realized when I was coming off this drug just how dependent I got from simply being on it for one week! I wasn't on this drug long term, yet I felt withdrawal symptoms like a heroin addict coming off their drugs!! Who the heck had I become? Definitely not someone I liked, or would want to be friends with that's for sure! My poor family had no choice. They're family, so the fact they didn't kill me ranks very high in my books, and I will pay them back for this weeks instalment of cray cray Judit!!
Now every time I hear the word gabapentin I think of that stupid show that used to be on Treehouse: Yo Gabba Gabba. Yes, this is probably from being a peds nurse and watching my fair share of Treehouse, whilst wanting to shove one of these fat, little "fugly" creatures down a mountainside, but I would smile and pretend like I was sooooo into this show. Now I wonder if the creator of this show was on Gabapentin when they came up with it!! I mean, you are transported into one very fucked up world on these drugs, and this show...well it's kind of fucked up in my eyes; sorry.
Now... let me transcend you into what this drug should be classified as according to none other than...moi...and firsthand experience. It's one thing to print a label on a drug and say, "may cause drowsiness." No, no, no. Soooo not in proper context at all!!!! You will feel like you're on Ambien and you will have no clue what you did while consuming this drug. None. You will likely not accomplish great things on this med but, rather, you'll be like a hazy, dependent, very bitchy, drugged up version of yourself where even the slightest piss off seems like a pretty reasonable, and just cause, to provoke physical harm on another. NOT NORMAL!!!!!!
G- goddamn, no good, piece of shit!!! Everyone was defined in these words last week.
A- addictive, active anger, & agitated
B- bitch, you will be a bitch on this drug. Period. Try to fight it and you guessed it...you'll be a bigger bitch!!
A- anger. Ugh. Please don't ask me anything as I have no capacity to answer you.
Hence, angry. Everyone was dumb last week, except for me of course.
P- pissed right off. Over everything. Don't look at me like that, don't say that, and don't try to get how awful I feel. You won't get it!! Pop a pill and we may be on the same page;)
E- easily distracted with no memory of...anything. Scary!! EXHAUSTED.
N- nothing is going to be ok, or good for that matter.
T- terrible headache, increased heart rate, terrible all around:)
I- impossibly hard to maintain any form of sanity. Sanity, what sanity??
N- night shakes, no patience, no appetite, and just No good. Why don't we put labels like that on the med... "Just no good." I would be very appreciative for the honesty.
If I ever have to take this med again, and I never ever plan on taking it again, I think my family should throw me into one of those underground tornado bunkers, like the one from the Wizard of Oz. This way I can be alone and not hurt anyone, both physically with a thermal heat pack, or mentally. I was the damn tornado this past week, and I feel like I'm coming out of my bunker simply evaluating the devastation I caused. There's no excuses, and I am so sorry to all my loved ones for the crap I put them through. They didn't deserve any of this. Gabapentin we are soooooo friends off and we will never be on good terms. EVER!!! Here's to the fog lifting, and letting the sunshine in. I know I need it, but my family may need it even more. They may even need therapy after this week.
Here's a low down of things that simply made me angry last week (what I can remember). Yes, this is "ranty," but it was oh so therapeutic to express. Normally, these things would have zero weight or affect on my life, however gabapentin changed this:)...
Sitting in the car, not driving, with a car in front of us littered with beanie babies in the back and a box of Kleenex in the rear window. Why do people put Kleenex there?? Let's be real, there is no driver who can reach back there to grab a tissue when they have the sniffles. And then your stupid stuffies, why??????? Not to mention these people are the SLOWEST drivers on the road. Probably because they're worried their precious beanies may tip over!! God forbid, big problems! Piss off número 1!!
Now just from driving to get to my destination there was something else that pissed me off. People who decide to advertise every member of their family including, and not limited to, every child, extended family member, and pet with a sticker. Seriously people, I get a headache trying to read your damn family tree on your car!!! How this is not considered distracted driving is beyond me. Ok, so this minivan has 3kids, no wait... 2bio kids, and one step child, and then we got a cat, and a fish, oh and grandma moved in so we need a sticker for her and her walker. Wow. Exhausting. Piss off número 2!!
Going for blood work. Now take a mental picture of this. I walk in and there's not one person in the waiting room. Not one. I put the req right in front of her face and she looks at me and says, "take a number." I wish I could have captured the look on my face because I was so drowsy, so annoyed, and could barely stand up. Ok I'll take a damn number. I pull the number and surprise she calls my number immediately!!!!! That was 10seconds of my life I will never get back! Piss off número 3!!!
Then I sit down in the room to get blood work. I thought there was a backrest behind my head so I slowly relax, and I simply rest my head back, and nope no back rest for my head there! I flail like a stupid fish out of water, and the person who takes blood turns quickly and asks, "are you ok?" Oh yes, I'm good. Why do these chairs not have a place to rest my heavy head?? Piss off número 4!!!!
Today I also realized I have absolutely no clue where my garage door opener is!! I haven't driven in the past week, so this one completely baffles me. Maybe my hubby took it out, out of hopes I would leave and then I couldn't get back into our house!!! I wouldn't blame him, but if you are one of my friends whom I may have mentioned my garage door opener to in the last week, could you please let me know;).
Well...that's the low down of what prescription drugs did to me. I still have a headache writing this, but I am 10x better than I was last week!! This is from one drug. ONE. We need to do better. We need better drugs with less side effects because, for those of us with cancer, this can become a vicious cycle of managing pain while trying to manage our sanity. If you managed to get through this blog, and I have not insulted you; Thank You. What a week!!!!