Goodbye Mandi

How do I even begin...how do I express how I feel when I can't even explain it myself? Mandi (http://www.darngoodlemonade.com/) is gone. She went to see the ocean with her husband...to have a nice vacation whilst dealing with stage IV, but she never made it back home. How? why???!! This disease takes and takes and takes and takes and.... how much of this can a person withstand in ones life before they say I can't continue to watch these deaths continue!!! For those of us living it; we are begging, pleading, and desperate beyond what one could even fathom. But for those never personally affected it remains an afterthought. And THAT, that nonchalant "I'm so sorry for your loss," followed a day later by complete normalcy as if this is a normal part of life; that makes me realize they just don't quite get the magnitude of this issue. They've moved on, but I haven't! I'll tell you what I'm feeling right now and maybe some people won't like it, but I'm not writing to please anyone...I'm writing because I can't continue to watch people I care about deeply die, and die, and die, while the rest of the world throws a measly "I'm so sorry for your loss." Your words are no longer enough. We NEED ACTION!! We are DYING!!! If you're sorry then for the love of god HELP US!!

 In the last few weeks alone I have had 5 friends pass away...some I had the pleasure of meeting in person and others I simply knew through our shared experience of living with this disease through social media. Another entered hospice. One must understand that the relationships forged are truly unlike any other friendships. We are collectively facing our mortality and we simply get it. We are aware of time like you could never even understand. We make plans and execute them ferociously because our clock is ticking and we are ever so aware. We take trips when in questionable health because it's not getting better and if we hold off we may never even get the chance to go. That's our reality. A reality so distant to many that they can't quite wrap their heads around this type of uncertainty. Morning, day and night we think of this disease. We try desperately to get so much out of life, whilst watching others simply waste theres. How many people lose their young friends at a rate like this??!! This is not ok, and I am at my wits end with complete fu*ken anger for the world's utter; "I could give a shit" about this pandemic attitude, but I am also tired and completely heartbroken because they're all dead and dying. It continues to happen. Everyday. We advocate at our own expense and we die. Nobody is saving us and that's what hurts. There's so much we can do, but when our healthy counterparts simply state; "I'm sorry" or "I'll pray for you." That's NOT ENOUGH!!! I don't need more prayers I need a fu*ken cure. Nothing else. So please dig deeper...educate yourself about this horrendous thief of a disease that steals our vitality...our youth...our careers...our friends...and ultimately our lives. The only thing that can save any of us is research.

In just a couple weeks I was so looking forward to seeing Mandi in Philly again at the annual Living Beyond Breast Cancer Conference. Last year she cried because she didn't think she would be alive to attend this year, and sadly her fears became her reality. She knew. I simply couldn't entertain that thought. Now I have no choice. She's gone. I was excited to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug in just a few short weeks. Last year we shared a room, explored Philly, and talked about our lives...and our fears. The last time I saw Mandi was at the airport in Salt Lake City. I was continuing on home to catch a connection and Mandi was home. I truly never thought that that would be the last time I would see her. Just like that another life is snuffed out and the MBC community collectively cries and loses another piece of their hearts...it's just that our hearts are so broken it's becoming harder to pick up the pieces. But we will. We will continue to fight for more, even as our health continues to decline because otherwise who will? I promise Mandi and every other beautiful soul we have lost that I will continue to advocate to the best of my capacity because they deserved it. They fought for my life and I will never stop fighting for there's...even if their lives are now just a memory. I am so sorry we failed you my friend. I'm so sorry we couldn't save you and now there's nothing we can do to bring you back.