Loss

Loss. Watching one of my best friends suffer from MBC was one of the hardest things to witness, yet it taught me about resilience in the face of major adversity. It taught me that grace was something you either possessed or you didn't (which for the record she possessed like nobody else). And it taught me about hope. Of always wanting more from this life and deeply yearning for not just a miracle but for some sense of calm and reprieve from all the pain, the tears, and the hardship. My beautiful friend 'O' taught me all these things. As you watch someone you love endure more in this life then you ever thought possible, it starts to etch away at your heart. Slowly but surely, the optimism starts to fade and turns into a hope seeded in desperation. When I watched 'O' handle every single bad hand that was dealt to her I tried to fathom having an ounce of her strength and tenacity through it all. The day she passed away was the day a piece of my heart permanently broke.

In order to understand the depth of what I am even trying to say you have to know a little about this beautiful soul. She embodied an infectious personality that made it irresistible to not be around her. We could laugh for hours upon hours. One of the things we always talked about was essentially how on earth did we both end up with MBC?? We both lived respectable lives and while others were out partying during their teen years, and into early adulthood , we were focused on academics and on the long term goals of what we wanted in life: a career, a family, etc.. Yet, those that spent the majority of their lives using their bodies as a personal trash bin got to live...relatively unscathed by their recklessness. Ok, I will say that the extent of our rebelliousness came in the form of speeding...not always...but enough for photo radar to catch us at times, lol. We always wondered why some were so lucky, but then we reckoned that we just must have had bad luck. Really, really, life shattering type of bad luck. We would say it and then simply move on...what other choice did we have in the matter?

Talking about life it was clear to the both of us that we collectively felt like our lives were perfect before MBC slithered its way in and tried to erode the beauty we had built. However, cancer could not destroy the love that one feels towards another. It could not steal the ability to still smile and laugh. To love with every ounce of our being. I think back to our fun days of pottery making, and for her openness and willingness to take part in my "crazy..." by this I mean every artsy fartsy activity I invited her to partake in... from making Christmas ornaments to trying to figure out how to use a selfie stick, whilst joking that an engineer should most certainly know how to use this special "pic stick, lol."

I even think back to one of her more recent hospital admissions. Prior to getting to the hospital we stopped to get some good food, and she accidentally purchased an alcoholic beverage as we were both too naive to realize that apple cider had alcohol in it until we saw the alcohol content and promptly returned it, lol. We laughed pretty hard thinking that it would have probably looked a bit sketchy to head to the hospital for pain control whilst intoxicated, hahaha. I wish our ignorance towards alcohol could have paralleled our ignorance towards this disease. But it didn't because we both knew, far too well, that this disease was like an evil monster that inhabited our bodies and we were at its mercy. You simply try to put the beast to sleep, but with MBC we knew far too well that it was always a matter of when, and not if, it tried to destroy us. Trust me, we both knew what it meant to live this life as we knew far too many taken too soon from MBC. The balancing act of naivety contrasted always with our stark reality...to the balancing act of trying to live as if life was never ending, all the while our bodies were slowly being overtaken by a disease that would kill us.

'O' was by far one of the kindest, funniest, most intelligent, personable, honest, and loyal friends I have ever had the privilege of having. She was a wife, a daughter, a mother to a beautiful toddler, a sister, a cousin, and a friend that everyone would gravitate towards. It's hard to fathom the ripple effect of her loss and how many people, from so many parts of the world, have been devastated and left with broken hearts. She was like no other person I have ever known in my life...she will forever be irreplaceable, but will be loved and remembered forever. Love you my friend. Xoxoxox


If you would like to read more about my amazing friend, and her life with MBC this is the link to her blog that she updated regularly: https://facedwithmymortality.wordpress.com/