4 years...
4 years ago today was the start of the
Winter Olympics. 4 years ago today was also the day that my life got
turned upside down and changed the course of everything. My life's
trajectory became derailed, uncertain, and my life became scarily
finite. 4 years ago today I was diagnosed with MBC. It's almost as if
the “old me” died and I had to completely figure out who I would
now be. How long would I even be alive for? What would ongoing
treatments do to my body and quality of life? And the notorious what
the fuck just happened whirled through my head?! How could life
change so drastically in one single moment.
Statistically speaking, I have already
lived past the typical 2-3year survival rate noted for those
diagnosed with MBC. Part of me feels thankful and happy and part of
me constantly asks why were others not as lucky? Why am I still here
and why are my many friends gone in a matter of months? I know I will
never know the answer, but it's still one I constantly question.
My life is different now. The things I
find important, and that which I find stressful, pales in comparison
to the things I now allow myself to stress about. Death is the
greatest fear and when I look at the things that I used to worry
about, or listen to others daily struggles (late to work, spilled
coffee, stuck in traffic, I have a cold, work was too busy, etc..) I
simply laugh at the silly and mundane nature of these “troubles.”
It amazes me that we live in a world of opportunity but the only REAL
barrier to achieving what we want is truly our health. If you want
something bad enough you go and get it! Don't complain but DO. If
you're waiting to be spoon-fed opportunity then you are delusional.
When death becomes your greatest barrier, fear becomes a relative
term.
Every year I am thankful for simply
being alive. For being able to watch my nieces and nephew grow into
amazing little people. Another year I get to spend with my husband,
exploring the world, and simply being in each others presence doing
everyday things that I no longer take for granted. Another year that
I appreciate just how much my mom has done for me and my family from
cooking to cleaning to coming to appointments...no mother should have
to constantly worry that they will outlive their child; that eats
away at my heart because this disease doesn't just affect me. It
affects my entire family and creates a type of stress I can not even
put into words. The constant uncertainty of when the other proverbial
shoe will drop. It makes you more humbled, but also scares the
complete and utter shit out of you. As much as having MBC has opened
my eyes to the fragility of life it has also made me more aware of
appreciating even the tiniest of “good” that may shine through in
midst of the storm of some pretty crappy days.
4 years I honestly didn't think I might
make especially after I first heard I had brain mets. Cancer in my
brain truly made me think that my life span would be much shorter,
but yet here I am. My brain, as of my last scans, is clear.
Essentially, nothing noted to be growing. Obviously, I am aware that
this can change ever so swiftly, but RIGHT NOW I am good. I am
thankful to see the snow fall outside, to see every giggle and smile,
and embrace every big hug and kiss my nephew places on me; a
milestone when he was born just over three years ago, I never thought
I would be alive to still be apart of. To watch my middle niece excel
in gymnastics and basically any sport she tries. She reminds me of my
youth and the times my body could do just a little bit more. To
seeing my oldest niece become a teenager and turn into a smart,
empathetic, and kind person. These are the things I am thankful for.
These are truly the only things that matter to me.
At this point in my life I really just
want to see changes in respect to MBC. I don't (I CAN'T) keep
watching so many beautiful people continue to succumb to this
disease, leaving behind children, spouses, friends, and family too
soon. Something has got to give. We need better therapies that can
extend our lives. We need government and pharma to hear us, and
collaborate with patients to help change the landscape of this
disease. We need to hold them accountable as sadly this could be any
of us. To understand that delays in access to treatments are killing
Canadians. I don't want others to need to care when it's them or
their loved ones because at that point it may be too late. Nobody
wants to talk about stage IV, incurable disease, as it doesn't evoke
“happy” feelings or the sense of survivorship and moving on. We,
with MBC, don't get that luxury to move on. We are in a cycle of
getting scanned regularly with the knowledge that the next scan may
be the one that completely derails our life further towards death.
Yes, it's terrible and depressing, but yet it's our reality. If we
continue to live in our bubble of positivity and ignore those that
are dying we are contributing to the problem by being dismissive.
Many of us don't complain but simply try to put our energy into
living as complaining changes nothing. With that, I truly hope that
for all those who have their health today that you can take value
away from knowing that you are living a life full of promise and
opportunity..something that many, TOO MANY, others never got the
chance to. Life is short, but it's up to us to give it meaning.
Just a few (or maybe two dozen) pics from the last 4 years...
This photo may just look like a selfie but this was my first infusion days after finding out my cancer had recurred and was no longer deemed curable. Smiling amidst the never-ending tears...
...
Watching these girls grow into beautiful little people has been a privilege in my life
Scans..scans...and more scans! The life of a metster and of never ending appointments and waiting. Waiting has become a part time job! Not having control over your own life, and sitting in waiting rooms with people twice your age doesn't evoke a warm and happy feeling...such is life
My supportive hubby. Love him and his patience with his 32yr old menopausal wife, lol. This was not the life either of us envisioned but I think we are making the most of it and I would never choose to do life with anyone but him:)
Another New Year and just another day to celebrate life with those I love the most
Oh this BOY!!! He has gone from this tiny babe to a 3yr old who is sweet, strong, and loves to be naked, lol. I feel immensely blessed to continue to watch him grow into a toddler I adore
Enjoying life in Hawaii
Perfection on vacation
1st dose of Xeloda..I am beyond thankful that this chemo has controlled my cancer for 2.5year now!!!!
Oh Tykerb...this is how I felt for the two years you destroyed my guts and left me in so much pain. I don't miss you. At all!!
The joys of never-ending scans. In between living it is the pause that makes me stop and realize how quickly everything can change
Having the opportunity to go to a Blue Jays game
My mom. The most selfless person I have ever met. I am beyond thankful that I won the mom lottery with this one!!
Alive to do silly pics like this, lol
Just hanging out in Central park
Central Park, NYC
Never lose hope
NYC landscape
Going to Broadway!
Self explanatory...its my husband people don't worry
My support
I bought a dog in the midst of these years...I love her:)
Always enjoy life...in moderation...or just do whatever makes you happy:)
Treatment #2 of Herceptin. Thankful for this life extending therapy
And just live as noted above:)
Judit.. I can't stop crying..haha.. my dad went to a blue jay's game as one of the things he wanted to do before he passed. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I think we all learn so much from you and it feels so much more real because I have met you. I really think you have Oprah beat at giving life advice... you should really have your own TV show!
ReplyDeleteYou are my Hero. Thank you for reminding us not to sweat the small stuff. Love ya cheers to another 4 years xoxo
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this Judit and you have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself! Thanks for continuing with this blog and great advice xoxo Deanne
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