Hawaii. Part Two.

After my eventful flight I was soooooo happy when they said the plane was descending into Honolulu. Yaaay, I could see land, which meant I was moments away from getting away from ms. Cray Cray. Our vacation started with two days in Honolulu before heading to Maui for ten days.

The purpose of going to Honolulu was because we wanted to check out Pearl Harbour. Ok, Chris wanted to check out Pearl Harbour and I wanted to go shopping, and there's quite a bit of shopping to do on this island!!!! One of the things which always leaves me a bit worried is the fact that I can't transport my "medicinals" with me. This is a problem because without it I can't sleep. At all. And then I'm completely miserable. Therefore, this time I had to resort to sleeping pills for my vacation, and I slept!!!!!! This little tidbit is probably what made my vacation good!!!

The first full day there we went to Pear Harbour. If you have never been I highly recommend going!! We took a tour of the USS Missouri, and were supposed to go on the USS Arizona memorial, but due to the high winds they deemed it wasn't safe. There's something so sad about knowing that there's still a sunken ship with over 1000 people left in the ocean there. Their final resting place, and knowing that they were attacked in a manner that they had no warning or chance to even defend themselves. Sounds a little bit like cancer - you sneaky son of a bitch I still hate you!! You can't help but feel heartbreak over many young lives lost in such an awful manner. I always try to put my life into perspective, and see the many blessings and joys I have at my fingertips. This was one of those moments of perspective. From Pearl Harbour we went to the Punchbowl Crater. This is also known as the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific. It has assigned gravesites for veterans and their families. I'm not exactly one to be careening cemeteries, but once again I can say I have never seen anything quite like this before. The sheer amount of veterans that are buried there, and the actual landscape is so hard to describe. I have to admit, it was the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen, and I felt as though they had done these families some form of justice by giving them such a tranquil, dignified, and beautiful resting place. Once again, this put a lot into perspective. It's hard not to cry when you see something like this. It's one thing to learn about war in school, but to actually see the number of people who sacrificed their lives...well...it's indescribable and gives you goosebumps. Although our day was packed from morning to night, I'm glad we decided to do this part of our trip because I feel it was one of those things everyone should see and experience at least once in their life.

By Sunday it was time to fly to Maui. I was excited to start the "vegetative" part of my trip. Part of me was slightly worried because the entire time we were in Honolulu I had no appetite at all!!! Everything seemed to cause nausea. We went out to eat at these nice restaurants. I would order food, only to take a couple bites and not be able to finish it:(. On the bright side, we ended up not having to pay for two meals due to my mouse-like eating habits that seemed to suddenly develop in Hawaii where I was so stoked to eat fish for almost two weeks!!! I knew this couldn't be anything serious as I had scans prior to, and I just assumed this was another way my body was pissing me off!!! I felt as though Maui would be a new start, and I was excited to have a kitchen where I could cook my own meals and eat more frequent, smaller meals. I know, I'm putting a lot of emphasis on meals, but once again these basic necessities of life are called such because they really are: necessities of life!! The Sunday started off great because we learnt that Hawaii does not have daylight savings time. Wait a minute - does this mean that I will NOT lose an hour when I am vacationing??? Yup, it sure does, and it made me even fonder of Hawaii:). When we went down to grab a cab to the airport, a young man working at the hotel told us he would grab us one. As we waited we chit chatted with him. He told us he had been born and raised in Oahu, and never left. He then went on to tell us how he felt "trapped" living on the island. I had to chuckle, and told him that this was the most amazing place to be "trapped" in.
It truly does seem that we really do always want what we don't have, doesn't it?? As we stood waiting he hailed down a limo!!!! Chris and I looked at each other and mumbled a few words, as in "holy shit what's this going to cost us," but like two complete dumb nuts we smiled and just got in. It was definitely a lovely ride to the airport, and a nice lil way to end our couple days in Honolulu. The best part: he charged us the exact same amount as a cab!!!!!

The island hop to Maui was quick! When we landed in Maui it was pouring rain, and in that moment I thought I wanted to head back over to Oahu because it was sunny and warm there. Oh well, I told myself I was going to be cheerful and have fun no matter what. The stupid rain wasn't going to ruin our trip, and it really would be pointless to keep complaining about it because it really was one of those things I had absolutely zero control over. I said all this with a smile, but by day three of constant, heavy rain it had indeed peeved me off!! We went exploring the island and saw some beautiful landscapes even though there were some very questionable driving spots. As in there was one lane. But two way traffic. Oh, and the best part was a plunging cliff with no guardrails. AKA: this is where you have one of those "shit your pants moments" because you truly think this may actually be your demise. Obviously it wasn't because I wrote this post, and good thing my calm, collected, hubby drove because he kept it together. Good job sweetie;).

When we got back to our condo we had made plans for going out for the evening. I got ready, and the sun was finally appearing. Me and sunshine go hand in hand. I need it. I crave it, and it makes me happy. I think this is deep rooted from my childhood, and living in sunny California. I miss the sunny, warm climate. When we got to our "luxury" car that we had rented there was nothing luxurious about it. We sat in, completely oblivious to what would unfold, and kept talking and laughing. Then Chris went to turn the ignition and what happened?? Click, click, click. Hmmm... Our car was dead. As in we weren't leaving our parking stall. WTF!!! We spent a fair amount of our evening looking for someone at the condo to boost our car, and I was pissed that this was how we were wasting our time. Another gentleman at our condo said he also rented his car from the same place as us and he had two cars die over the course of three weeks. Perfecto I thought. Therefore, this evening was spent driving back to the rental car dealership, and me unleashing my inner crazy at them!!! This got us a discount on another upgraded car with the elimination of charges towards our first not so luxurious car. It was never truly about the money, but rather our time. I can't get that back, and my time is worth more than gold at this point.

As the days went on the weather became nicer and nicer. I wanted to go boogie boarding as there were some decent waves outside our condo. I had a very brief moment where I wondered if this may be detrimental to my cancerous sternum. I honestly didn't care, and I truthfully felt as though cancer had already taken so much from me it was NOT going to take boogie boarding too. Ok, that sentence sounded ridiculously stupid, but I LOVE boogie boarding, and if you've never done it then you really should. We spent the days that ensued boogie boarding everyday. Remember my last blog post and how I was a complete "hot mess" flying down to Honolulu?? Well, I was also a hot mess getting out of the ocean!! I respect the ocean. It's simply beautiful, but I'm also aware of its crazy power. I was wearing a strapless bikini top. Every time I wanted to "classily" exit the ocean it turned into more of a spectacle. Absolutely nothing classy about this. Remember the James Bond movies where that hot woman so sexily exits the ocean as if she's stronger then the current?? Well that was not me in the slightest bit!!!! I don't know why, but every time I tried to walk out, and a wave came I would fall and then my boogie board, which was strapped to my wrist, would be pulled back and essentially so would I!! I would be on all fours, getting smashed by a wave, and as the water receded back I would get sand into parts of my body where I really didn't want sand!!! The worst part is the shear force of it continually caused my top to get pulled down to my waste and my bottoms got pulled down low enough to expose parts that are more appropriate for a nude beach. Then when the water would recede - you guessed it - I would be left flapping with no water to cover my exposed parts, yanking at my damn boogie board, and trying to crawl out before the next wave came, all the while looking like a damn fish, again, that got pulled out of the water!! I swear, I think I may have been a fish in another life, but not a cool fish like Nemo, but like a sucker fish that you want to throw back into the ocean, lol. The best part to all my "struggles" was that this took a lot of focus on my part to finally crawl my butt out, and when I looked up there were two older men, sitting in lawn chairs on the beach, just watching me, one with his mouth literally open. Wonderful I thought, they just saw a one tit wonder exit the ocean! I think he would need binoculars to spot my remaining tit because it's not too big, lol. Now I swear boogie boarding in and of itself is crazy fun, but I have still yet to master exiting the ocean. One day maybe I'll learn how to exit without looking like I've been washed ashore. Or, maybe I'll buy a bathing suit that doesn't expose all my private bits - this may be a more realistic approach;).

Near the end of our trip we decided to do the drive to Hana. I had a lot of friends who had highly recommended this. Honestly, this is once again one of those things that everyone should experience once in their lives. I have never seen a landscape this beautiful before. We stopped everywhere to take pictures, but the pics never truly did any justice to the shear size and beauty of this island. I have never seen this many gorgeous waterfalls ever before. The lush green, the beautiful ocean, and the many different flowers. In that moment you can't help but realize the vastness of this world. The fact that we are all such a small and minuscule component in life. It really gave me this odd perspective of the beauty of this world, and how truly small we are in the grand scheme of things. This drive took us twelve hours total, including stops because this is a very winding road, but so well worth it.

Overall, we had a lovely time, and when it was time to come back home I was oddly ready. You see, I love to travel, but I miss my family and everyone I love when I'm gone. If I could nicely pack up all my "people," and prop them on this beautiful island then I would never want to leave. As our plane ascended and I peered out the window I noticed my eyes starting to well up. I didn't want to look at Chris and admit that I was on the verge of crying. Not because I was sad my vacation was over, but I honestly didn't know if I'd ever have the chance to come back. I don't tolerate long flights anymore. It's hard for me to sit for that long period of time, but it's also this "condensed" living bullshit that seems to catch me off guard at times, and this was simply one of those times. I managed to keep it together and when I did finally look at Chris I smiled because whatever the future holds, it's exactly that; the future. In that moment I was good, and I had beautiful memories that I will never lose. I will hold onto that, and count my blessings that I even had the opportunity, and felt relatively good enough to experience Hawaii and all its beauty.

                I went a little crazy with pics, but there were sooooo many beautiful landscapes I just couldn't resist!!

This was our view from our hotel in Honolulu

Selfie at pearl Harbour, and I am proud because you can see more than just our big heads!!

The trees on Oahu and Maui amazed me!! I have ever seen anything like it. Chris thought I went a bit nuts with tree pics, but seriously they are AMAZING!!

These trees were at the Punchbowl Crater

This was on the USS Missouri. I had to include this because it looks like Chris' head blew up, lol. He's smoldering, hahaha - yup i'm a total dork;)

Is this not the most beautiful tree you have ever seen???

Honolulu

This was King Kamehameha Castle on Oahu: All I can think of is the opening scene from Hawaii Five-O, right??

When you take a selfie and wish you could see the background! This is where a selfie stick would have come in handy, right babes???? He was too embarrassed to purchase one, but maybe then we could have remembered what this pic was about. Am I right or am I right? Just saying...

This was at a lovely restaurant in Honolulu where my "mouse-like" eating habits were in full swing. I'm smiling, but all I can think of is vomiting:( Free meal though, so that was reason to smile I suppose!

Traveling back to the airport in style via a limo

Ok... before you judge me for what I am eating let me explain. I had eaten very little while in Honolulu and when we got to the airport I was actually hungry and I told Chris I could eat chicken nuggets. You see, I do NOT want to lose more weight, as I can't afford to do so, and I found that if I crave something I have to eat it. If I wait I lose my appetite and become nauseated. Therefore, all I wanted were four chicken nuggets and small fries. Turns out this is considered a "kids meal." Well... I even got a toy with my meal! Good grief, I can't remember the last time I ate a "happy meal."

I mean I can't be married to a firefighter without visiting one of the local fire halls!

One of the beautiful landscapes in Maui

Selfie including palm trees and the ocean=successful selfie where the background can be seen not only our big heads!!!

Beautiful day!

These were our boogie boarding waves. You didn't actually think I would have a pic of me exiting the ocean, did you??? That wold be considered a form of pornography I'm almost certain of that, lol

Maui and all it's beauty!!

Maui. The landscape is truly surreal

We look like two bobbleheads!!

Maui

Maui

Big heads and the ocean:)

Maui

This was in the lava tube in Maui. Firstly, it is pitch dark, with uneven flooring, water dripping, and you walk around with a flashlight. Super interesting! I made it through, and once I was back on flat land I tripped and fell right on my face! It's one of the many ways I make my hubby shake his head, and leave him speechless, lol

This was a selfie that was meant to capture the sunset. Instead it kind of blurred out my hubbies face. Once again, the selfie stick may have been beneficial. Babes I know you read this...HINT HINT;)

LOVE the ocean:)

Waterfalls - the most beautiful waterfalls I've ever seen!!

And another waterfall

And another!! This one was huge and gorgeous

The perfect sunset. Thanks for the beautiful memories Hawaii:)

Vacation. Part One.

 

Yes, the time had arrived to go on vacation!!! We felt like it was long overdue, and we just needed to get away. We had booked this trip to Maui a couple months ago with hopes everything with this cancer crap would just stay put!!! As in hibernate and simply chill the heck out so we could enjoy ourselves. The most recent scans showed stability which was lovely, peachy, and fantastic news to start our vacation!!!

Our flight left in the morning so we had to be up early, as in 4:30am. Now since my recurrence I have not been a wake-up-early-before-the-crack-of-dawn type of gal. Ok, I don't recall the last sunrise I've seen and that's perfectly ok with me. I value my sleep. A LOT. For myself, this determines how I'll feel the rest of the day. When I woke up I didn't feel quite "right." As in I was so nauseated. I am not typically one of those people who gets nauseated. I told myself it's nothing, and to just get on with tying up the loose ends of packing. This did not go as planned!!! I sat on my bathroom floor crouched over my suitcase, with what felt like an impossible task. I shoved a couple essentials into my suitcase, and then Chris came in as he was being productive packing and looked at me on the floor. I told him I didn't know if I could physically muster up the energy to get to the airport. Plus, the thought of sitting on a plane for seven plus hours; ugh!! When I got up I looked green and sure enough I started vomiting. This was not a shining moment nor the way I planned to start my vacation!!! Out of every single day to feel dizzy and vomit it just had to happen today, seriously??!!! After I spent a while hunched over the toilet it was time to leave. I could barely get to the car. My mom dropped us off at the airport, and I realized I didn't even brush my hair!!! Yes, I was a hot, disastrous mess. All I could think was please let this process of check-in, security, and all this airport stuff go by fast before I either pass out or vomit all over the TSA staff!! It's safe to say I made it on the plane, and realized they didn't have the barf bags that they always used to have on these flights. Wonderful:). The one time I felt there was a possibility of requiring these brown bags, there was none. I tried to just take some deep breaths, and told myself it's only seven hours. Ha, that's a long ass time to be contained in this closed off tube, no-way-out-thing, we refer to as an airplane!!!!

This flight was the hardest trip I've ever taken. I wanted to be knocked out, and awakened on arrival!! Of course, I also had a CRAZY lady next to me. She was rude with the flight attendants and treated them as if they were there to serve her, and only her. My patience was wearing thin with her obnoxious antics. From kicking the chair in front of her because the seat reclined, to then telling the child behind her to not touch her chair. Ok lady, this is not your private jet and people are NOT on board to cater to your needs!!! As I started to feel relaxed, and thought I may actually fall asleep, what did Ms. Cray cray next to me decide to do?? Well, she pulled out a stack of cards and started playing some game of cards. With herself. Whilst mustering random words under her breath!!!!!!! Lady, don't you worry you will win because you're playing with yourself!!! All I could hear was this annoying clicking sound from her "dealing the cards." Chris could hear this through his headphones and I think he knew I was on the verge of snapping. My patience had worn thin and I was feeling like a royal bag of shit!!!!!! She even pulled out tarot cards. Oh my gosh, I felt like asking her what her psychic cards said?? Did it predict that I was on the verge of vomiting on her, and felt that the emergency exit should be allowed to be utilized for other purposes, and the term "emergency" should be based on the discretion of the passengers??!! She also had to get up numerous times and would huff and puff at the length of the flight. I was ready to tell her that we weren't in a damn time machine! You very well knew the length of the flight when you booked it and yet you seem surprised???!!! Long story short, near the end of the flight I finally fell asleep. Chris later told me that while I was sleeping she looked over at Chris and said, "could you wake her up because I need to get up." Chris, being the smart man he is, looked at her and said, "no chance in hell." She apparently looked puzzled, but Chris didn't budge and thank goodness he didn't because I needed those 45 minutes to sleep. When I woke up the plane was getting ready to land and I was relieved. I made it!!! Ms. Cray cray had garbage piled up under the seat in front of her. Firstly, I can not stand when people act as though others should serve them, and treat others disrespectfully by being rude and leaving filth around them. We are not better then those around us. You don't know anyone's "story" or personal life so treat everyone around you with RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!

The first part of our trip started in Honolulu. Getting off the plane was the biggest relief. I think simply making it there was what excited me the most. No emergency landings required because of me, no puking on any passengers, and I actually managed to not speak my mind to Ms. Cray cray next to me!! I was proud of myself, and I actually felt a bit better. Sometimes all you need is a little sunshine to brighten up your day:). I had planned to write about my whole trip in this blog post, but obviously I got carried away reminiscing about my flight, so I'll just have to leave that for my next post. For anyone whose planning a future trip I learnt a fun little tidbit from a fellow passenger. If there's two of you flying instead of booking two seats next to each other (when there's three seats on each side), book one aisle and one window because there's a greater chance of having nobody sit next to you because nobody wants the middle seat!! Fun fact, and I will definitely try this out the next time I fly;).

This was when we boarded our plane. Slightly pale and feeling like this was the worst decision I've made in a very, very, very long time!

 

Stomp Out Breast Cancer Monday

Metastatic Breast Cancer. What is it and what does it mean to you?? What feelings does it evoke?? If you have never been touched by metastatic breast cancer these words likely mean nothing. That's what bothers me. People generally don't care about a cause that does not affect them personally. It's easy to put blinders on and not let that dirty, scary, elephant into the room. THIS is the problem!!! I'm the damn elephant in the room! If we simply choose to turn our heads, and ignore the fact that according to the World Health Organization 508,000 people died in 2011 from this disease worldwide, then we are all somewhat responsible for these deaths. Imagine the pain and sadness of losing a loved one and imagine how many people mourn the loss of a single person. Now imagine the sadness and pain amongst the deaths of 508,000 people and all their loved ones!

This pink ribbon bullshit and the term "awareness" means nothing to me. At this point we are all very aware. If you're not, then you must be living under a damn rock!! The fact that we are allocating less than 5% of funds to research, which is the ONLY thing that can lead to a prolongation of life, is beyond disappointing. I can't quite wrap my head around why this has not changed. I'm sick of people and organizations simply trying to make a quick buck off of those of us desperately trying to buy ourselves more time at life.

Last week I rejoiced at my latest PET-CT results that showed stability. This means the cancer is there, but it's on its best behaviour. Perfect. I was almost convinced that it had gotten worse due to the pain, but it didn't despite the pain being directly linked to the actual cancer.  Today I had an MRI of my brain. I have absolutely no reason to think my brain is acting up with cancer, but I've been here before, and was "surprised" by shitty news. This is the life of someone living with mets!!!! Scan, treat, repeat. That's our lives. These scans evoke an unimaginable amount of stress. Someone who is healthy who goes for a CT, or MRI would never understand what this is like. These tests can simply deem your fate in an instant. They can tell you if your body is so riddled with cancer that your days are numbered. And just like that the floor beneath you drops. This is the stress, anxiety, and fear that those of us with mets live with. Everyday. Until we die. This is NOT acceptable. Chemotherapeutic agents that prolong our lives are toxic. Sometimes it's these treatments that will kill us, and we demand better!

I don't expect someone whose life is absolutely perfect, and unaffected by cancer to understand. I mean why would they?? Their lives are on an upswing and simply perfect. However, one day you may hear those three dreaded words, "You have cancer," and I can guarantee the floor beneath your feet will drop. In that moment, you will beg for better treatments so you don't have to endure the rigours of chemotherapy where you will lose your hair, your energy, develop mouth sores, become constipated or have diarrhea, lose all the nails on your fingers and toes, become neutropenic, all in an effort to allow you to live a little longer. As someone living with metastatic breast cancer I demand better. I demand better not only for myself, but for my nieces so they can grow up in a world where there is something better due to medical research that was generated during my time. Enough is enough and I demand change, so anyone reading this please don't fall into all this "awareness" crap because if you truly want to be aware go visit the gravesites of every man and woman who has died from this disease. That's awareness. Nope it's not pink and frilly, instead it's reality and it's time to let the elephant out of the closet because we refuse to become another statistic that simply gets branded as someone who "lost their fight." We are dying because our treatments have failed us. We did not fail. We did our damnedest with the little options available. Please help those of us with stage four by showing your support by taking over social media today. This may only take you a minute, but it may help to gain momentum and allow us to increase funding geared towards research. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Amazing Weekend & Rethink Breast Cancer

Sometimes cancer brings opportunities. Cancer brings with it lots of crap that you wish you could unload and never ever have to think about again. Yet, this time, I must say the opportunity that was thrown at me shed more light on the people, things, and advocacy initiatives that I want to be involved with.


 Rethink Breast Cancer is a Canadian not-for-profit charity that gears itself towards women under 45 years of age going through breast cancer. They have a strong focus on educating and advocating for young women. I was honoured to be selected and asked to come to Toronto for the weekend for a workshop geared towards becoming an ambassador for Rethink and implementing their Care Guidelines. Firstly, after the last few weeks that I've had this was a welcome change and I was excited to simply get away.

 I flew out to Toronto where they put me up at the Trump International Hotel. My wonderful mom was kind enough to fly out with me because I still wasn't feeling a 100%. Firstly, if you've never been to the Trump you must understand that this hotel is stunning!! It's one of those nice hotels where you stash all the soap, lotion, pen, and notepad so that they can stock it up with more the next day because it's so wonderful! Don't worry, I don't stash sheets, pillows, or towels; only the complimentary things;). I was already super impressed by the accommodations, so I could only imagine what the rest of the weekend had in store. After arriving on Friday, they had set up a dinner for all of us ladies who were from out of town in a private dining room at a fabulous bistro. The food was AMAZING, but the people I met were even more incredible. I finally got to meet the amazing Steph Gilman whom I had talked to online but never met in person. It's one of those meetings where you feel you have known them forever simply because you realize you have so much in common with them!  To be able to talk to others who truly "get it" is simply an indescribable feeling. To be able to throw medical lingo at someone you've never met and to have them throw the lingo back at you is a wonderful feeling!!!!! You don't need to explain to someone what things mean, and the conversation does not revolve around pity. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't want pity!!!! I don't want pity or people being sad and telling me to cry, blah blah blah. I know what's good for me, and crying and pitying myself does NOT make me feel good, so people please don't tell me these things. I could have conversations of understanding without once feeling like they thought, "this is the shit-outta-luck girl," which was the greatest feeling of all. None of us chose to be a part of this group of young breast cancer women, but it chose us, so we decided to do what we could to make this "journey" more inclusive to other young women.


 Day two was the actual workshop. At this workshop, we were surrounded by some other women whom we had not yet met the day before who were all from Toronto. There were three of us living with mets, and it was nice to be able to connect and compare treatments, side effects, etc... I would never wish this disease on anyone, but when you meet some truly inspirational, smart, and empowering women it really does make you feel as though you can accomplish anything. It was great to hear about Rethink's vision and their increasing focus towards social media. I think that's great especially for the population they serve. Their private facebook group, RYWN, which is a wonderful resource for anyone who has, or had breast cancer to simply ask questions about treatment, side effects, basically anything. I wish I would have been involved in something like this the first time I got diagnosed because this type of resource is invaluable. Moving towards a more social media focus is huge, especially for the younger population with cancer. I never had even the slightest inkling to want to join a support group. That's just not me. Everyone is different. However, an online group is an easier way to connect for those currently undergoing chemo or for anyone who doesn't feel well enough to leave their house. You can go online, and simply browse the conversations, or you can comment and leave your input. It's simple and accessible for everyone.


 This day also involved a central focus around care guidelines that should be incorporated to achieve optimal well being for YOUNG women with breast cancer. I emphasize "young" because the needs of younger women going through breast cancer are extremely different. Many are just starting careers, getting married, and having children. Typically this is a time in life when we are reaching these wonderful milestones, and then this diagnosis abruptly halts everything. These guidelines are meant to inform our healthcare team about our very unique needs. We do NOT relate with someone in their 50s, 60s, or 70s. I absolutely sympathize with anyone diagnosed with cancer, but I have an extremely hard time taking advice and trying to pretend that cancer in your 20s or 30s is in any way, shape, or form the same. It just isn't! It's not normal to face your mortality when you are beginning your life. It's not normal to make medical decisions that could impact your future fertility. It's not normal to have to leave your career that you love because your time has suddenly been condensed and, sadly, you must recognize what is the absolute most important aspects of your life that you want to focus on. It's just not normal or natural to have this disease in your 20s. I truly hope these care guidelines can be introduced into cancer centres across this country because there is a huge need that must be addressed. As well, when a young woman is diagnosed, they may not even realize their very unique circumstance unless their healthcare team brings it up. Let's be real, being diagnosed with cancer when you're young leaves you completely numb and frozen. You feel like you've been thrown out of an airplane and landed on some island (we aren't talking about a St. Barts island but a much crappier island), and you are completely alone, confused, and lost. Sometimes you need your team to bring up issues around fertility because you may not even recognize the impact that treatment will have on you and your future plans. There's a lot of "unique" needs of young women even pertaining to sexuality and body image that may not be imperative to our older counterparts.

 Overall, I had an amazing weekend connecting with other amazing women. To get a further glimpse of the wonderful work that Rethink Breast Cancer does for the community and young women was great. To recognize that there are so many empowering and strong women dedicated to making the lives, for people like me, so much better was truly inspirational. Every young woman diagnosed with breast cancer deserves to be educated about their course of treatment, short and long term side effects, and the overall impact on your quality of life. I thank Rethink for including me in this weekend workshop, and hope that any young woman going through breast cancer can connect with this organization.

 If you are a young woman (under 45), who has/had breast cancer check out their site and the care guidelines! As well, you can join the closed Facebook group, RYWN, where you can connect with other young women going through similar circumstances. http://rethinkbreastcancer.com/get-involved/campaignsforchange/care-guidelines-for-young-women-with-breast-cancer/

I feel very lucky to have met these amazing women:)

 

This is the lovely Steph Gilman. In my mind I felt like we should have been the same height. Thank you for being so welcoming. I gained a friend for life:). You must check out her great blog if you haven't yet at:

http://passmeanothercupcake.com/

Anna Craig who is also living with metastatic Breast Cancer. Anna also has an amazing blog at:

https://annacraigblog.wordpress.com/

Our view from our hotel room. Toronto you need to warm up!!!!! Bone chilling cold, and this comes from someone who has constant hot flashes, but I was still freezing!!!

 

The last night my mom and I realized we had no pics together!!! Therefore, we decided to put on our Trump robes and pose. We very well could have taken this pic at home, but nope our robes clearly state: Trump. Love you mom, and thank you for doing anything and everything for me:)

 

 

The Dark Side of Pharmaceuticals

Ok, I've decided to come up with my own mnemonic for this fabulously, completely crappy drug i've lived on for this past week!!! GABAPENTIN!!!!! Now, the last week was hard. I mean really hard. The pain I had was excruciating, hence the desperation and then the trial and error bit. As a nurse, I know the uses for this drug, but I suppose I never realized how immensely and how negatively it would affect me. To be totally honest, I remember very little of this past week. My mind was in a haze, completely foggy, and I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I said things, and apparently did things I don't remember!!!! Like at all!!!! I'm surprised my poor family didn't murder me because I was not an easy person to be around. My husband reminded me of the loving wife I was this past week when he told me what I did while under the influence of this drug. I apparently threw my thermal heat pack right at his face and told him, and I quote, "warm my fu*k*n heat pack cause I'm in pain! and remember I'm the one with fu*k*n cancer." Umm... I said that, and did that??!!!! That is not me, and I'm sooo ashamed that I even acted like that. However, I realized when I was coming off this drug just how dependent I got from simply being on it for one week! I wasn't on this drug long term, yet I felt withdrawal symptoms like a heroin addict coming off their drugs!! Who the heck had I become? Definitely not someone I liked, or would want to be friends with that's for sure! My poor family had no choice. They're family, so the fact they didn't kill me ranks very high in my books, and I will pay them back for this weeks instalment of cray cray Judit!!

Now every time I hear the word gabapentin I think of that stupid show that used to be on Treehouse: Yo Gabba Gabba. Yes, this is probably from being a peds nurse and watching my fair share of Treehouse, whilst wanting to shove one of these fat, little "fugly" creatures down a mountainside, but I would smile and pretend like I was sooooo into this show. Now I wonder if the creator of this show was on Gabapentin when they came up with it!! I mean, you are transported into one very fucked up world on these drugs, and this show...well it's kind of fucked up in my eyes; sorry.

 Now... let me transcend you into what this drug should be classified as according to none other than...moi...and firsthand experience. It's one thing to print a label on a drug and say, "may cause drowsiness." No, no, no. Soooo not in proper context at all!!!! You will feel like you're on Ambien and you will have no clue what you did while consuming this drug. None. You will likely not accomplish great things on this med but, rather, you'll be like a hazy, dependent, very bitchy, drugged up version of yourself where even the slightest piss off seems like a pretty reasonable, and just cause, to provoke physical harm on another. NOT NORMAL!!!!!!

G- goddamn, no good, piece of shit!!! Everyone was defined in these words last week.
A- addictive, active anger, & agitated
B- bitch, you will be a bitch on this drug. Period. Try to fight it and you guessed it...you'll be a bigger bitch!!
A- anger. Ugh. Please don't ask me anything as I have no capacity to answer you.
Hence, angry. Everyone was dumb last week, except for me of course.
P- pissed right off. Over everything. Don't look at me like that, don't say that, and don't try to get how awful I feel. You won't get it!! Pop a pill and we may be on the same page;)
E- easily distracted with no memory of...anything. Scary!! EXHAUSTED.
N- nothing is going to be ok, or good for that matter.
T- terrible headache, increased heart rate, terrible all around:)
I- impossibly hard to maintain any form of sanity. Sanity, what sanity??
N- night shakes, no patience, no appetite, and just No good. Why don't we put labels like that on the med... "Just no good." I would be very appreciative for the honesty.

If I ever have to take this med again, and I never ever plan on taking it again, I think my family should throw me into one of those underground tornado bunkers, like the one from the Wizard of Oz. This way I can be alone and not hurt anyone, both physically with a thermal heat pack, or mentally. I was the damn tornado this past week, and I feel like I'm coming out of my bunker simply evaluating the devastation I caused. There's no excuses, and I am so sorry to all my loved ones for the crap I put them through. They didn't deserve any of this. Gabapentin we are soooooo friends off and we will never be on good terms. EVER!!! Here's to the fog lifting, and letting the sunshine in. I know I need it, but my family may need it even more. They may even need therapy after this week.


Here's a low down of things that simply made me angry last week (what I can remember). Yes, this is "ranty," but it was oh so therapeutic to express. Normally, these things would have zero weight or affect on my life, however gabapentin changed this:)...

Sitting in the car, not driving, with a car in front of us littered with beanie babies in the back and a box of Kleenex in the rear window. Why do people put Kleenex there?? Let's be real, there is no driver who can reach back there to grab a tissue when they have the sniffles. And then your stupid stuffies, why??????? Not to mention these people are the SLOWEST drivers on the road. Probably because they're worried their precious beanies may tip over!! God forbid, big problems! Piss off número 1!!

 Now just from driving to get to my destination there was something else that pissed me off. People who decide to advertise every member of their family including, and not limited to, every child, extended family member, and pet with a sticker. Seriously people, I get a headache trying to read your damn family tree on your car!!! How this is not considered distracted driving is beyond me. Ok, so this minivan has 3kids, no wait... 2bio kids, and one step child, and then we got a cat, and a fish, oh and grandma moved in so we need a sticker for her and her walker. Wow. Exhausting. Piss off número 2!!

 Going for blood work. Now take a mental picture of this. I walk in and there's not one person in the waiting room. Not one. I put the req right in front of her face and she looks at me and says, "take a number." I wish I could have captured the look on my face because I was so drowsy, so annoyed, and could barely stand up. Ok I'll take a damn number. I pull the number and surprise she calls my number immediately!!!!! That was 10seconds of my life I will never get back! Piss off número 3!!!

Then I sit down in the room to get blood work. I thought there was a backrest behind my head so I slowly relax, and I simply rest my head back, and nope no back rest for my head there! I flail like a stupid fish out of water, and the person who takes blood turns quickly and asks, "are you ok?" Oh yes, I'm good. Why do these chairs not have a place to rest my heavy head?? Piss off número 4!!!!

Today I also realized I have absolutely no clue where my garage door opener is!! I haven't driven in the past week, so this one completely baffles me. Maybe my hubby took it out, out of hopes I would leave and then I couldn't get back into our house!!! I wouldn't blame him, but if you are one of my friends whom I may have mentioned my garage door opener to in the last week, could you please let me know;).

Well...that's the low down of what prescription drugs did to me. I still have a headache writing this, but I am 10x better than I was last week!! This is from one drug. ONE. We need to do better. We need better drugs with less side effects because, for those of us with cancer, this can become a vicious cycle of managing pain while trying to manage our sanity. If you managed to get through this blog, and I have not insulted you; Thank You. What a week!!!!

One Year

One year. Can you remember what you did this past year??? Work, cook, run errands, take care of your kids, and repeat? February 7th, 2014 was the start of the Winter Olympics. Oh yes, and it was also the day I got diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Yes, the day my world simply stopped. Don't get me wrong, I had my own little pity party, but I also chose to get over it. Seriously, I know we must grieve, but I'm not dead. Enough with the grieving!!! There's always gonna be time for that, but your chance to live is NOW. Death is not even close, and honestly the last year wasn't all that bad. Yes, their are constant treatments, little surprises (solitary brain met), but we have always moved onwards and upwards and have enjoyed our time during the in-betweens.

Here is a little run down of the past year:

I have had 19 Herceptin infusions, one every three weeks


I took countless clodronate pills to strengthen my bones, 4every morning, with GI side effects I didn't
care to continue, therefore switched to intravenous bisphosphonates

I have had 9 Zometa infusions to strengthen my bones, one every four weeks (the first one sucked, but it got better)

5 CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis just to keep track of these little buggers that like to wreak havoc on my health in unpredictable ways. This included a CT of my brain to map out the stereotactic radiosurgery they did

2 Bone scans (I think)

3 Brain MRIs, one indicating cancer. Treated and then stability...yaaay. Chill out in my brain. PLEASE!!!!

Approximately 5 ECHOs as Herceptin can cause a decrease in the left ventricular ejection fraction of the heart which can lead to heart failure, however it can be reversed!!! YAAAY to reversible heart damage. I can handle that:)

5 Zoladex injections to essentially put me into menopause and slow these hormonal driven buggers from acting up. Just google the size of these "subcutaneous injections."  Oh the hot flashes that ensued... Sweating, excessive heat, and cursing. Lots of cursing!!

Daily Letrozole pills, countless amount of bloodwork, unexpected stereotactic radiosurgery, and some surprise X-rays, oh yes, and apparently I am allergic to the CT contrast!!! Surprise!! Because I LOVE medical surprises. Ok I don't like any surprises, let alone when it has to do with my health!!!

I could handle all this. I did handle all this and then, almost a year after my mets diagnosis I woke up in excruciating pain. I instantly knew it was nerve pain. I felt like an 80 year old with so much pain, but with no clue where it originated from!!! Thank goodness for an amazing hubby who helped me move from my bed to go downstairs as I had pain to my shoulder, right under my clavicle, and around to my back under my scapula. I couldn't even raise my arm or drop it. I was a mess, and desperate. My hubby found my stash of gabapentin and morphine which I literally have not taken in the past year and popped them like candy. I felt pretty desperate, and I can honestly say I have never felt this broken, in extreme pain, and uncertain since my mets diagnosis. I guess I never expected to feel so poorly, so suddenly, and without much warning.

I wanted to go to emerg, but at the same time I was in so much pain I didn't think I could get there. I knew my oncologist was going away on vacation but I didn't know when, and it was Saturday. I decided to try, out of pure desperation, to contact him. Honestly, his act of kindness and dedication to his patients almost left me in tears as he called me within 15minutes. He told me to start on steroids to help with swelling, to take morphine hourly, and gabapentin for nerve pain. He then sent a req to get x-rays to make sure it wasn't an instability or fracture in a bone. Plus he expedited a PET scan I was to have at the end of March to get done within 3weeks. After we went over all the drugs to take, I curiously asked when he leaves for his vacation. His answer: in an hour. Ok, seriously, to say I was appreciative doesn't even begin to explain my realm of absolute thankfulness for everything he has done. The fact that I didn't even need to leave my house and go to emerg was great!! As I write this I still feel like I'm in a drug induced haze, so I apologize if my writing reflects this, but my pain level has come down to bearable. I now have some cracking/popping noise happening just under my left clavicle (more medial, close to my sternum) with deep breathing and movement. What is this?? No clue yet, but I can only worry about one thing at a time. Pain is manageable and I'll take that, and that's all I have the capacity to focus on right now.

Yes, cancer is unpredictable and things happen in a fashion I have nillo control over, however there's 365 days in a year and most those days were simply amazing. I have a new nephew who gives me even more joy in my life then I can tell you, just like my sweet nieces. My wonderful brother and sister-in-law. I have an amazing hubby that will do virtually anything and everything for me. My amazing mom who is always there for me, and does anything and everything without once questioning a thing. My beautiful bestie who has surprised me more than I can count whom gets me laughing uncontrollably in the most questionable situations. Thanks for that buddy;). All my lovely nursing friends who have done countless acts of kindness, the Calgary firefighters who cease to amaze me with everything they have done even though many of these lovelies have never even met me. Thank you. My many cancer friends who simply get it. I would not trade these friendships for anything. Some of the strongest women I have ever met who give me strength on a daily basis. All the health care professionals, my oncologist, my many lovely nurses, techs, everyone who has simply smiled and acknowledged my presence; Thank you. The good has still outweighed the bad. It's because of all you that this past year was still amazing!! As I look back, I can't help but look forward to the amazing opportunities this year will bring me. I will keep everyone informed on what's going on and the wonderful opportunity that may lay ahead of me. An opportunity to be involved in something bigger, but something that has literally taken over my life; breast cancer.

Everything happens for a reason, and slowly I'm starting to figure out what that reason is. Onwards and upwards. We have lots of plans for this year and I know, despite the bumps in the road, they're exactly that, bumps in the road. We all get over it, and that's exactly what I plan to do. People, please don't complain about your life because it's in your hands to change!! If you have good health this world is your opportunity to do whatever you like!! It doesn't get more amazing then that, but you must open your eyes and seize the opportunities you get, or else your life will pass you by, and the only person left to blame is yourself.

 

 

February 7th/2014-This day changed my life, but I decided that day it would not ruin me. Moving on. I think this year will only get better because I'm not about to slow down, and cancer is simply this little bastard that will tag along, but it will not control me. Nope. Cancer, you little bitch, you get to sit in the back seat, and I refuse to let you take the lead. Not today. Not ever.

         (I was on quite a few drugs when I wrote this, but that's ok. This is me...drugs or no drugs.)

 

 

Haters Gonna Hate (No this is NOT about Taylor Swift:)

Lately, as I've been browsing the web, I've come across something I really don't like. My life revolves around breast cancer, the latest in research, new clinical trials, as well as following other women's "crapshoot" "journey" we call breast cancer. I'm talking about the haters. This word throws me off because now all I automatically think about is that Taylor Swift song!!

Yes, having cancer is not easy, and I'm not expecting people to be happy and joyous, and purely amazing all the time. Not at all!! However, I have little tolerance for individuals who hate on others who have this disease and how they "choose to do" cancer. Firstly, I accept and respect how everyone does it. No two people are the same. Recently, there was an article of a twenty something year old woman who has the BRCA gene mutation and so she chose to have a preventive double mastectomy. She does not have breast cancer, but has a high likelihood of acquiring it. Both her mother and sister died from this disease. I am certain that she "gets it." However, the criticism I found online from people who did not like how she chose to have a party for her double D boobs she was gonna lose, was just plain shocking. Again, I read the same old crap about how she's sexualizing this disease, and how insulting this is for those fighting this disease on a daily basis. Ok. Well, as an individual living with stage IV cancer I'm not insulted. At ALL!!!

I don't believe there's a "right way" to "do cancer." Why are we over analyzing every individual's decisions?? We do not live their lives, so I truly feel this is simply a form of virtual bullying. I mean when I saw the pics of this young woman in sexualized pics, I mean I know I wouldn't have done it myself. However, that's simply my choice. Probably because I never had her smoking double Ds, so I simply couldn't quite relate. I mean I always had the boobs of a girl who hadn't quite hit puberty. I felt like it was just around the corner, but it's as though I got lost and never found the corner. It's all good as I'm quite happy with my one remaining tit! I feel that everyone copes with this disease so differently. As crazy as some things may seem to me I understand it affects everyone differently and, hence, we choose to cope in our own little ways.

As well, I feel young women sometimes get this bad rep for how we choose to advocate, and simply share our cancer stories. This bashing of "sexualizing" and "trivializing" this disease is so ridiculous. Fun fact: we are all sexual beings. Yup. Sorry to spill the beans! Young women are in an extremely different place in life then someone in their 50s or 60s. If you fall into this age category try to think back to when you were in your 20s. What were you doing and thinking?? Many people are getting married, starting careers, having families. Now imagine getting cancer. Everything stops. Not only does it affect every single aspect of your life, but it also eats away at the youth you have left. You're staring death in the face while trying desperately to live the life you want.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I refuse to hate on others for how they "do cancer." Honestly, constant anger, hating, and complaining will completely eat away at you. Sadly, I find that it only mirrors the person you are, and does not reflect at all on the person you are complaining about. Ultimately, regardless of age, we all have the same end game which is to survive. If you don't like a pic someone posts or the way they handle their disease, then don't look at it or read it. Quite simple actually. Enough with the haters. All I can think of now, again, is that Taylor Swift song every time I write the word hate! Sorry, I tend to lose my train of thought easily and quickly.

(Five minutes later)

Yes, that's how derailed I got from writing a damn word, pathetic! Any who, what I'm trying to get to is everyone who has, had, knows someone, or lost someone who had breast cancer all share a common thread. That's the pain and loss this disease has thrust upon us. It sucks. Can we choose to focus on being kind, compassionate people?? Or will we simply focus on trying to nitpick people apart and criticize their very personal choices that we probably really know nothing about. Cancer and all it entails is fucking hard already, we don't need cancer bullies too!! The next time you read an article which has a young woman throwing a boob party or whatever you may see as sexualized, try and see past the picture posted. Try and empathize with the fear and dread that they are probably feeling. The whole reason they may be taking those pics may be because they fear they will lose that aspect of themselves, and those pictures will be all that's left of their carefree, young life. Cancer takes away your carefree days. What follows are the days of worry, fear, and facing your mortality. We can all smile at a camera, but it's what you don't see that harbours our saddest, darkest moments. Stepping on someone when they're down is not my style, and I dare you all to try and accept and respect others who are going through this. Who knows, in the end you may end up being a much happier person! I know I am:).