The Best Medicine Is...

Not too much has been going on with me healthwise that I know of anyways. I do get the aches and pains, on and off, which then makes my mind wander to the craptaculous cancer progressing. My sternum will hurt, then when I rotate I get pain in my hip, recently I've had some pain to my ribs, and then my memory, ok what memory? Then I tell myself to snap out of it!! Yes, I talk to myself, not out loud but I have to remind myself that aimlessly worrying won't change what is, and won't eliminate what will be. Therefore, this post is not about the things that slowly erode my sanity, but rather the things that nourish it. What could this be you wonder, well let me tell you!

Happiness and laughter. Yes, this sounds so simple but when I'm around the people I love, and we laugh, and I mean laugh wholeheartedly I forget about everything. I mean specifically this crappy cancer, and I get to really enjoy the moment. This is the laughter where you become fearful of peeing yourself!!

This past week was filled with much of that. I volunteered at my nieces zoo school, and got to enjoy myself with a handful of grade 5ers. They were all sweet and well behaved. The conversation I had with one of the kids was priceless as I didn't know how to respond to her question. As we were looking at the big horn sheep we noticed the male going up to the females and sniffing the females, and the females running away quickly. When one of the kids asked one of the zookeepers what they were doing the zookeeper responded that it was "mating season." Here was my conversation with the little girl:

Girl: "what are they doing?"
Me: "umm..."
Girl: "why are the girls running away from the boy?"
Me: "hmmm... I think the girls have a headache"
Girl: "oh"


At this point I could see her really thinking so I simply told her let's check out the other animals, preferably ones not trying to mate!! Goodness gracious, I was not going to teach human sexuality animal version to a bunch of 10yr olds, so I was happy to move on.

This week was also my Herceptin infusion so I took my partner in crime (quite literally, "partner in CRIME"). The infusion was our usual ice cream treat, chit chatting time. Then it was my besties time to explore at the cancer center. We get very into doing some random, slightly questionable, possibly a smidge bit criminal"ish" activity. We seem to be escalating in our childish bets, however I laugh uncontrollably. From laying on a random stretcher, to sitting on a bench with stuffies, to milking a cow statue, to sitting on a cow statue, and then jumping off the cow to sprint like an Olympian so that the security guard wouldn't catch us. I laughed all the way to our car, and then some as we drove home.

Although I was at the cancer center receiving treatment, I never once thought about cancer. I simply didn't care. I felt good. I was with my bestie, and I had a blast. I'm tired of all the seriousness of this disease, of thinking it's going to kill me, of wondering if the cancer is progressing. All that is exhausting. This week I'm exhausted from volunteering at zoo school, and from hanging with some amazing friends that make me laugh uncontrollably. I'm tired from having an amazing week, where I managed to have glimpses of a life without cancer. Laughter really is the best medicine. I think it may be my favourite therapy yet, and I could definitely take an indefinite number of rounds of this type of treatment!!

Obviously Lex wrote on the board, she's involoved with everything!! I've never even seen this board before, but you bet that Lexer found it!!!!!

 

Herceptin #13, I can't believe it was #13 already!!!

Lex had to write on a leaf!

Me and Lexer driving (possibly distracted driving?) I swear I only momentarily looked at the camera, no accident involoved:) I don't recommend this as usually I am fully focused on driving, hands on 10 and 2:)

Zoo school with my favourite little lady:) She even got to feed a camel!!

Zoo school with my princess noodle. Words can't describe how much I love her

 

 

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day & Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, however did you know that it's also Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day?? I'm guessing most people don't, unless they have metastatic breast cancer or know someone who does. I mean people might think I'm a debbie downer, but metastatic breast cancer is MY reality. There's no days off. I wonder what the average person is thankful for? People get so caught up with all the crap in life that so many forget what makes up the best part of our lives. It's the people who have our back through everything, and our ability to do the simple things in life that allow us to exist with purpose. I'm talking about the real simple things; walking, talking, eating, loving.

How many people say that they are thankful for their health? It's one of those things a person wouldn't understand unless they have had their own health compromised. One of those things where when your health comes back you tell yourself you will never take it for granted. I want people to get it before they have major health problems to deal with. I want people to simply be kind to each other, enjoy the energy you have because it may not last. I know how quickly things can change. What's in the past is gone, we can't go back, but we can change our futures.

Today, I am thankful to be able to breathe without struggle. I am thankful for my appetite to be able to enjoy a good meal without nausea or vomiting. I am thankful to have manageable pain, and to be able to walk and run. I am thankful to have my mind, free of seizures and debilitating headaches. Yes, I have cancer, but I also have so much more. Something I am completely aware of is that things can change in an instant, so today I have an immense amount of gratitude for my life. To top it all off, I have the most amazing people in my life who are like the icing on the cake. My amazing husband, my mom, my brother, sis-in-law, nieces, extended family, my bestie, and my amazing friends who are more like family. Yes, I still have cancer, that's no surprise, but I am thankful for what I have right now. Most people don't have this much love surrounding them, and I couldn't imagine how they could handle serious illness. There's no way I would have this much joy in my life if it wasn't for "my people." Thank you to everyone who makes me a better person and for everyone who has touched my life with so much kindness and love. Am I thankful for cancer, nope I sure am not, but I am thankful for the different perspecive on life it has given me.

                                 These are simply some pics of the most important people in my life.

me and my wonderful hubby

 

Me and my Bestie!! I think I have advertised this lovely lady plenty. However, she deserves it because Lex never thinks of herself. She is the most genuine, loving, and caring young woman I have ever met

Me and my lovely Sophia (can't forget about our dog, Max, in the corner)

 

 

Me and my beautiful mom who has the biggest heart. Love her. Couldn't ask for a better mom!

Me and hubby again (I've realized while doing this that the majority of our pics are selfies). We need to start asking people to take pics that don't only show our heads!!

My sweet Sophia. This little lady is growing up so quickly and she has the most beautiful little soul!!!

 

 

My amazing hubby for keeping me so grounded. Ok, this pic doesn't show that, however this was pure happiness with no alcohol or leafy green herbs on board;) This is what our non-selfies turn out as.

Me and my love bug. She loves you wholeheartedly, and is VERY outspoken.

 

 

 

Can We Choose To Focus On Living

I have been reading a lot lately, and more specifically some perspectives pertaining to women with metastatic breast cancer. I know the month of October really annoys and angers many stage IVers. I would be lying if I said a lot about this month didn't bother me, it does! However, I can also relate to people who aren't in this stage IV category.

I wish that women diagnosed with early stage breast cancer remain with no evidence of disease for the long haul, so that these women can continue to live. The stats are a different story all together. 1/3 will develop distant metastasis, however when and who will be affected is unknown. 2/3 will survive and continue to live their lives.

This month I just don't like the bitterness. Some things that I read I feel as though women want others to fall into the stage IV category so they "get it." Let me tell you, before I was a stage IVer and considered "curable" I completely understood what it would mean to have stage IV metastatic breast cancer. I finished all my treatments and was scared out of my mind. My friend joined the ranks of stage IV before me, and I watched her deteriorate and leave behind her husband and two beautiful children. I GOT it before I had stage IV.

I want people with early stage cancer to have a good life, I want them to relish finishing their treatments, and I want them to LIVE as if cancer was a past tense, god forbid it comes back. Don't waste your time thinking of the "what ifs." It will consume you, and if it does come back you would have wasted your time worrying. If anything, become a better you. Realize the fragility in life while recognizing your own strength that you never knew you had.

It sounds so cheesy, but can't we all just understand each other? Why cant we get along? Absolutely, stage IV needs more, a whole heck of a lot more! I understand the mortality rate, however I'm not going to sit around and say I'm dying. I'm not. I'm very much living, and choose to believe that new advancements will come about that continue to keep me alive. If all we think about is dying, then we aren't really living at all. I will never give cancer the power, therefore, today, I won't acknowledge what it's capable of. Obviously, cancer doesn't recognize what this chick is capable of either! We would be doing a complete disservice to those who lost their battle, or those too ill to actually enjoy their lives if we only focus on deterioration and death. Bitterness will slowly consume and eat away at you, just the same way cancer does. I've given this disease enough of my attention, and I choose to be happy and understanding to everyone. Do I have days where I'm sad, mad, confused, angry, and overwhelmed? Damn right I do, but I try to limit those days and moments because they don't help ME. ALL types of cancer suck. I hate it. That's a fact. I've established that more needs to be done in regards to stage IV, however I will offer my support to EVERYONE. I choose to LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE. This isn't an exclusive club, and I am not about to become a hater. I dare you to LIVE with a focus on life, will you accept?

My Thoughts On Breast Cancer Awareness

So October is breast cancer awareness month. I know for those of us living with mets this month may be a bit of an overkill with the pink. Personally, and I speak for MYSELF, pink is simply a colour. I always liked the colour pink, but I will explain what bothers ME.

When I see all the products that say they will donate a portion to support "breast cancer awareness" I have come to realize that many of these companies don't give two shits about breast cancer. They care about their own personal profit. It's more of an insult when it states that they give five cents from the cost of a $20 pink scarf goes towards breast cancer awareness. Really?? Wow. Secondly, I'm getting sick of this umbrella term "awareness." What the heck does that mean?? I feel people are aware; get your mammograms, check your boobies, etc... People with stage IV breast cancer need a CURE.

If you want to talk about real awareness did you know that:

-67 Canadians are diagnosed with breast cancer everyday (Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation)
-5000 the number of Canadians who die of breast cancer annually (Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation)
-1/3 people who have early stage breast cancer who go on to develop distant metastases (Metastatic Breast Cancer Network)

Those are some important facts that people should be AWARE of, so now let's donate to causes that help those of us living with stage IV continue to live.

Don't get me wrong I think we have all purchased these products with the best intentions, I know I have in the past too! All I want is for people to be more aware and really question how much, and where the money goes.

I don't need a pink scarf, pink gloves, or pink whatever for me to be aware. All I need to do is look in the mirror, and I have plenty of scars that remind me that aren't nearly as pretty as a pink scarf. That's because breast cancer isn't pretty. It never has been, nor will it ever be.

Sadly, I think people are aware about early detection, blah, blah, blah. However, did you know there has been no significant improvements with survival rates once the cancer becomes metastatic?

Pink is a colour that I still like, despite all the negative connotations associated with it and breast cancer awareness. I'll still wear pink, but I will not support purchases that don't donate to a cause that will benefit those of us who have fallen into the stage IVs. Next time you buy please please think before you pink because the only person who may be benefiting are the large corporations who make a profit from these products. I will continue to rock my pink, but NOT the kind with a pink ribbon that says: "a portion of the proceeds go to raise awareness."

Awareness=???
Research=life!!
                                                   "Awareness" according to social media

 

 

                                                  Awareness according to my reality.

What's Your Purpose?

Today marks three years since I first heard the words: "you have cancer." Everything in my life changed in an instant. My life became divided into two parts. Before cancer and after cancer. Even after I was given the all clear, and a new bill of health my life never went back to what it was before. This doesn't mean my life wasn't good, but rather I realized how quickly and how easily things can change.

I can still vividly remember sitting in my car after taking a day course pertaining to nursing. I had had a biopsy, and didn't think anything would be wrong especially after all the reassurance I received from my family doctor that this lump had a 99% chance of being benign. As I sat in my car, my phone rang and my doctor told me I had cancer. I honestly have no clue how I managed to drive home as I was a big blubberfest all the way home. The most difficult part to finding out you have cancer is by far telling the people you love. Absolutely everything in your world stops. You become numb to everything, and wonder what the hell was my purpose in this world?

The second time I heard I had cancer this past February basically deflated any hopes I had at beating this disease. This time I was knowledgable about what it meant, even though I wish I didn't know what it really meant. I honestly wondered, if all the plans I had for my future are no longer possible then what the heck am I gonna do?? I don't think I'm a bad person, however I am in no ways perfect either. After all this I have figured out what I am beyond passionate about, and it's metastatic breast cancer awareness and advocacy. More needs to be done to bring awareness to metastatic breast cancer and to push for more funding for research. I am not going to simply have this disease without shedding light on it, and I plan on changing the course of the future as it pertains to this disease, especially in young women. I may be one person, but I won't stop until I accomplish what I want.

Three years ago today my world shattered, but today was a new day. A better day. A day where I've finally realized what I want to do, and figured out what MY purpose is.

“It doesn't matter what you did or where you were...it matters where you are and what you're doing. Get out there! Sing the song in your heart and NEVER let anyone shut you up!!”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

CIBC Run for the Cure

I'm sure most people know that I am doing the CIBC Run for the Cure again this year. However, this year my wonderful bestie created an actual team in my name (team super judit). I personally hate hounding anybody for money, unlike my husband who sent repeated texts to friends to donate until they did, hahaha. Sorry guys if you were one of those people. However, as I sat thinking about it I'm actually pretty desperate. The money from the CIBC Run for the Cure is the biggest single day fundraiser in Canada that contributes all its funds towards research, education, and advocacy initiatives. I've mentioned this before that research is what I am relying on to literally keep me alive.

I am asking anyone reading this to please consider donating. Every penny counts and adds up, and this goes on to benefit anyone affected by breast cancer. Survival rates have significantly increased over the years thanks to events such as this, however there's still far too many people who succumb to this disease. Young and old, mothers and daughters, sisters and wives, and even men. Still more needs to be done to change this. If you want to donate directly to me go to CIBC run for the cure and click on donate. Then under individual write: judit saunders. Click on my name, and voila!! Or, simply click on the following link (if it works):

http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCureFY15/PrairiesNWT?px=3929419&pg=personal&fr_id=1851

You can also donate directly to our team; team super judit or donate to any of the amazing people on my team:) If you would like, join our team, the more the merrier. My goal is to bring awareness to metastatic breast cancer, and the bigger team we have the greater chance we have to spread the word while directly funding research.

Thank you to everyone who has already donated as this means more to me then you'll ever know.


"Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn't be here in the first place. And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes that matter in the world come about. So be that one person."

- R. Buckminster Fuller

Happy Anniversary!

Today marks my 2year wedding anniversary. I can't believe where the time has gone. We have been together 9years now and I am still so shocked as to how much we have been through in those years. Looking back, when we first started dating I was completely carefree, in university, and had no worries. Everything in my life was quite simple. Our biggest concerns were where we were going for dinner.

In the past three years, after my initial cancer diagnosis, it left me completely stunned, saddened, angry as hell, and made me question just about everything including my relationship. Chris and I were engaged when I was diagnosed and all I could think of was why would he possibly want to stay with me?? I was 26 years old and had cancer. CANCER. This meant hair loss, fatigue, neuropathy, nausea, and potentially death. At this point I definitely wasn't a catch. How many men would run as though they were training for the Olympics to get away from ms-shit-outta-luck cancer chick if they knew their partner had cancer?

I definitely made it hard on him. I felt ashamed and extremely vulnerable. I never would have chosen to be bald, but it happened. Chris never looked at me once as if I was diseased, rather he said he liked my buzz cut because he thought I looked like GI Jane, hahaha. As time went on he never once felt ashamed of me. After I had surgery he didn't look at me any differently. I lost my nails from the chemotherapy but he never said, "you're falling apart, this is too much for me to handle."

He stuck by me through everything. Even when I gave him the option to run for the hills if he couldn't handle it anymore; he stood by me. Once I completed all my treatments I realized what true love really is. It isn't about the carefree fun, but it really is "for better, for worse" and in "sickness and in health." We got married after I finished all my treatments. I had super short hair (a hairstyle I never imagined getting married with) and a totally new hair colour. The radiation burns still present on my chest and visible in all my wedding photos. However, at this point I was just ecstatic to have hair, nails, and my life back. Everything about our wedding day was perfect. It was a new beginning, and I had a glimpse of my own mortality and was so happy to put it behind me and move forward.

One and a half years after getting married, cancer came back. The day we found out we sat in the car in the hospital parking lot and cried. Oddly, it wasn't so much the cancer diagnosis that affected me as much as it was the loss of my future. The loss of fertility and knowing we will never have children hurt the most. I wondered how on earth he would handle this? We wanted a family, and we were on the cusp of starting a family, and once again this stupid disease was back! When I asked Chris he said he didn't care if we never had kids as long as we were together. Now I tried to imagine if he was simply trying to be supportive in saying this, but nope he was completely genuine and it affected me in the utmost positive way.

He has come to every one of my appointments, the majority of my infusions, all my scans and tests, and he has done so willingly. I have never had to beg him to, and he has always known how to talk me through all my fears even though he probably has the same fears as me. As we celebrate our anniversary I do so knowing we have been through more in these past few years then most people go through in a lifetime. We know what is important in life and recognize the fragility of it. I couldn't be happier, and look forward to many more anniversaries to come. I would just like a little less focus on illness and a little more focus on health and happiness. Just a little more of the carefree life we had years ago, without it being just a fleeting moment.

Happy Anniversary babes. Thanks for sticking by me through all my "craptaculously" huge health problems. Probably not the future you envisioned as we seem to be aging a bit more rapidly then we would have liked. However, I have figured out one perk! I think between my crappy cancer and your crappy knee we may qualify for rock star parking, AKA: handicap parking:) I love you.