In the past, pre-craptaculous cancer, I always wanted to do something on New Year's Eve. What you may ask? Well, not even I really know. I wanted my own New Year's Eve countdown, as if I were in NYC, but somewhere closer. Ok, I just wanted to go out and feel as if something huge changed as soon as the clock struck midnight. As if a unicorn would enter into my life and everything would instantaneously change. Yes, these were actual thoughts I had prior to my initiation of cannabis usage.
As I thought of the years passed, nothing ever worked out. Ever! We couldn't get reservations to where we wanted to eat, couldn't get tickets to the movies, and the list goes on and on. Essentially we would ring in the new year in my car. No magical unicorns or fireworks. And yet, it was a new year.
Therefore, this year I wanted nothing to do with going out. I wanted to be with my family and the people who are the most important to me. I wanted to stay home, eat in, bake with my favourite little girlies, and play board games. This was the first year where I actually felt that it was the perfect way to ring in the new year. You see, the only thing that's important to me now is my family and making memories. Nothing else. I don't care about "stuff" or this facade of pretending to be something I'm not to other people. I'm not chasing or looking for that magical unicorn anymore. The best of everything was actually right in front of me all along; my family.
Yes, I take pictures of everything now, and some may think its borderline obsessive but it really is the only concrete way to remember a moment. My phone has well over 1000 pics on it and that's just from one month, but I like to look at those pics when I'm out, waiting for an appointment or any other not so fabulous moment I encounter. It makes me realize that although the specific moment I'm in may be dreaded, stressful, and scary that this too will pass, and I can look forward to the happy moments I have the majority of the time. It helps me cope and always makes me smile. I can start planning the enjoyable moments in my head while waiting to get a CT, and try to not dwell on what may be growing inside me.
Therefore, the start of my New Year was everything I wanted and more. Although, I have also been plagued by some pretty intense pain lately that I'm wondering at what point I should tell my oncologist, but for once I may choose to be beautifully ignorant in the moment and try to endure it. However, I promised this blog post wouldn't be about the big "C" so that's all I'll mention about that. I'll choose to continue to focus on the many beautiful pictures of my favourite people, and the moments captured in time that reflect the happiest components of my life.
The last few hours of 2014