Thursday, 8 January 2015

Bittersweet Arrival

January 4th, 2015 was a day I will always remember. It was the day my first nephew was born. As I pulled up to the hospital to meet my new little nephew, I was filled with so much happiness and excitement! A new life is by far the most amazing thing, and the biggest blessing ever!

Growing up I was the child who loved dolls, always pushed around a stroller and played house. I became a paediatric nurse because I love children with ever ounce of my being. I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding but, rather, dreamed of one day being a mom.

When I walked into the room and saw this beautiful little being I instantly fell in love, and was ecstatic for my brother and his wife, but then I was overcome with so much emotion. I looked at him as I held him and cried. Cried because I knew the one thing I was so certain about my whole life would never happen; to have children. I don't know why but this is the one thing since my diagnosis that has been the hardest. I watch my friends, whom I love, have their own children and watch them grow. I, on the other hand, have my life completely frozen in time. When I looked at my nephew the only thing I could think about was what do I have to look forward to?? Sadly, all I could think about was death. I realized how gut wrenchingly hard all this is. Even with my illness I still do all the things I love. I go out, enjoy my time with friends and family, and vacation. My pain is manageable, and thus I have a great quality of life. However, deep down all I could think of was the only thing that could possibly fulfill my life was a child.

People who have their own children don't understand the depth of despair of knowing that having your own child just won't happen. As I looked at this new life I wondered how long I would even get to be a part of his life. Would he even know who I was? All of it was just way too hard.

When I went downstairs to greet my hubby at the hospital the very site of him made me start crying. I mean ugly faced crying, nothing pretty about this! People probably thought a loved one died not that a new life entered the world! My hubby, as usual, was the calm, collected, voice of reason. I feel as his wife I have completely failed him. He, on the other hand, does not feel that way, and when he says it he means it. He tells me regularly how all he wants is me, and that is enough. I guess I just don't get how I could possibly be enough. He's so certain when he speaks, but I feel as though I betrayed him. We both got married with an intention to have a family, but because of me and this fuckin cancer it's not possible. Part of me wishes I would have gotten pregnant prior to being diagnosed. At least a part of me would be left behind when I'm no longer here. I know it sounds so morbid but my damn life feels like it's at this standstill. I hate it, and this beautiful boy reminded me that what I worked so hard for all these years wouldn't matter because my biggest wish of having a family will never be.

When I see parents with multiple children who don't even recognize for a second what a blessing a child is it makes me question everything. I'm not a bad person, so why did this all have to happen to me, and why is this dysfunctional woman who treats her multiple children like crap get to have a family?!?!? I know I'll never know the answer to that, but it still makes me question everything.

When I hear people complain about their kids all I can think of is I would give anything to have that, and I wouldn't complain. I will love this little peanut with all my being as I do my nieces. The elation I had with the birth of my nieces was amazing, and when I looked at them I looked forward to the day I would have my own. I guess with the birth of this little man it simply reiterated where my life has gone. The hopes for a future I planned and was so excited for just won't be, and that's one more thing that cancer has taken from me.

I want to make it clear that I am over the moon for this little being, and I am not sitting around crying about it daily. It was the day of his birth when I realized the limitations that this disease has created for me. On a day to day basis I exist just like everyone else. I laugh more then I cry, but when something so profound happens such as the arrival of a new life that's when the depth of this disease seems to sink in more.

I love my nieces and nephew indescribably, and will be a part of their lives as long as I'm in it.  I just want them to remember me, and know that I love them with every ounce of my being. I really wish, now more then ever, that things could be different. Hope is basically all I have left. Hope that new advancements come out sooner rather than later. Hope that because I'm still young, maybe just maybe, somehow some breakthrough will come to be that will allow me to have my own biological children. HOPE. Such a simple word, yet it holds every ounce of my future so delicately. Never lose hope. Especially when that's all you have left.

Little T!!

Honestly, there's nothing I love more than newborn snuggles!!!

Sweet little peanut. I just want to snuggle and kiss him all day!!

Too cute not to post!!

I love this!! Big sis cuddling her baby bro. I can feel the love between the two already. I think they'll have a very special bond!

more cuddles:)


  1. *Hugs* I can't imagine. I lucked out that kids weren't in my life plan, so when that option was taken from me it wasn't nearly as hard. I don't like not having choices. I do believe your husband that YOU are enough, because you are pretty dang awesome. I am so sorry, this is one of those unfixable emotional wounds. You may have to be the awesome aunt that spoils the tar out of that little baby (because that is what aunts are for right?!).

    1. Thank you Mandi. It's difficult because I refuse to let this disease completely run my life, but then when it comes to fertility I have no power whatsoever. I am on top of the spoiling for sure, lol. These kids don't have to beg for anything they just have to tell me their wish and I'll grant it. I'm kind of like a genie!!

  2. I'm a big fan of hope... I have lots of hope for you Judit. I know it must be so hard and I have many similar feelings about people taking for granted that they can have children when it might never happen for some of us. In the meantime, enjoy your sweet nephew and being an auntie. xo

    1. Thank you Steph. I am definitely enjoying him, he's simply too sweet not to enjoy!! I hope you're doing well!!


  3. Judit I've just read through many of your posts... This one made me teary eyed. How sweet and beautiful your nephew is. And how incredibly unfair and horrible fucking cancer is. You are always so encouraging on the Rethink group and it is so appreciated. I can tell you're the best auntie ever! Xo

    1. Awe thank you so much for the kind words:). I'm so happy to have a little nephew and I just love him to pieces!! He has definitely brought a lot of joy and happiness into my life. I hope you are doing well:) Xo.