Random Thoughts

It has been a couple weeks and I haven’t updated on anything because nothing has really happened, which is absolutely fine by me! I would much rather have a boring, mundane life then constantly have some crappy update about my health. However, there is one thing that is on my mind and has been slightly causing me stress. I have a CT coming up next week and I would like nothing more than for things to be stable with no more lovely questionable “spots” popping up. Sometimes I wish they could immediately give you a hint after one of these tests as to whether things are good, not great, or just darn right shitty. If they could give you a thumbs up or a thumbs down that would even work for me!! I mean if I need to get these tests forever it would be nice to get some hints. If they could just write on a piece of paper, “yaaay things are stable” or “shooters, your life sucks a little more.” Make it into a game or something. I could live with that, however I know that would be deemed extremely unprofessional. I guess I just need to suck it up, get the test done, and then simply not think about it?? Absolutely, that is just super duper easyJ

Other than that I went for my Herceptin infusion on Thursday which went fabulous!! 1^st try the lovely nurse got it! When we sat in the waiting room I asked Chris how many tries would it take to get the IV. I was optimistic and said they would get it on the 1^st try and Chris thought on the 3^rd try. I looked at him and thought, thanks for your joyful optimism. Long story short, I was right and I really wish we would have bet something because I would have won. I’ll remember that for next time.

Getting my infusion with their new recliners. I wouldn't say I am "dumb" per se (I have moments), however I struggle to get out of these darn chairs!! Seriously, my hubby has to push the leg part down because otherwise I would be reclined for most the afternoon. There has to be a trick to this because the frail, little elderly people can do it. I just need to figure out what the "trick" is. Stop laughing, you know who you are;)

 

I wish I could say I did something exciting but I really have not. There is one thing that my niece, AKA my princess noodle, said this past week that left me laughing hysterically. My princess noodle was over at my mom’s house, so her grandma, and my mom complained to her that her lower back hurt. She asked her if she could massage her back with her little, yet strong, fingers. My niece said, “ok,” and went on to massage her lower back. Then my niece looked at my mom and told her, “Mama I think you have tax pain.” Hahaha, honestly it was so cute and I know I should have told her what those commercials were about, but I just couldn’t because it was so sweet and innocent.

I must also add that a wonderful friend of mine had the most beautiful little boy yesterday!! He is completely precious and perfect, and I can hardly wait to give him some cuddles and loving!! I am beyond thrilled for the both of youJ Plus, I told her to memorize my licence plate because I may kidnap him, just kidding…well not really.

On another note, I hope this darn craptaculous snowy, wet weather goes away for good because I am completely over it. Why do we choose to live here again????? This weather seems to bring back the pain and swelling, and there really isn't anything about this weather that makes me happy. I have no desire to go build a snowman so please enough with this, and bring out the sunshine because I am on the verge of going to pack a suitcase to head to the airport to board any plane headed south!!!

Hope everyone has a fabulous Easter!!!

Fun Fact

I thought about calling this post statistics, however I realized nobody would read it because it would bring back wonderful memories from nursing school. Everyone remembers just wanting to finish this course because it felt like we were learning to become accountants. When we had the option to take a statistics course or anthropology I picked anthropology. I actually assumed the anthropology course would be about evolution and monkeys, so I felt I had lucked out!! Goodness, was I ever shocked when I showed up the first day and there was no mention of monkeys, and I didn’t even have a calculator. This darn course was the exact same thing as the stats course but with a different name. Honestly, am I the only one who thinks of primates when I hear the word anthropology??? Anyhow, this was a long explanation about why I decided on calling this post a "fun fact," because I really want people to read the following and think about their own life.

I am not a huge fan of statistics and what they mean because I have not fallen into the majority with regards to breast cancer. I understand that the odds of getting this disease is slim to none as many articles have noted that the chances of acquiring this disease in your 20s is less than 1%. I would have much rather have won the lottery, but nope craptaculous cancer is what I got instead. However, when someone in their 20s or 30s gets this disease generally they are diagnosed at a more advanced stage. What gets to me is someone in this age group has so much more to live for then our older counterparts, and yet we are relatively ignored or dismissed with concerns regarding our perky boobs. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want our lovely elderly population to die from this disease, absolutely not, however I am disturbed at the lackadaisical mentality that some people have with regards to this disease and young women. I can name numerous people who have gotten this disease at a young age and the impact it has had on their lives is astronomical. Many who have young children, careers, and busy lives. Therefore, when I heard what happened to a friend I became mildly angry, and motivated to change this stigma of who gets breast cancer. So a friend who had discovered a lump went to have a mammogram, and to her dismay was told that they wouldn’t do it because she was “too young to get breast cancer.” Now this made me darn right angry and frustrated. How dare someone make a bold statement such as that. In reality young people do get this disease and a part of the problem is this type of pure ignorance. Why would you make an assumption such as that to a young woman in her 20s with four young children???? If it isn’t cancer that is fantastic, however what if she falls into the less than 1% that does?? How much time do they allow to transpire before they realize something is wrong? This ignorance is what makes this disease change from a completely treatable condition to an incurable one.

If there is anything that I would love for any of my young female counterparts to know is to be self aware and ALWAYS advocate for your health. I am truly, 110%, passionate about raising awareness about breast cancer. I am a firm believer in trusting your gut. If you think something is wrong then there probably is. If a doctor dismisses your concerns because of your age, fight for what you are concerned about. Heck, bring me along because I will fight like hell for you. If you don’t fight for answers about your health then you will eventually be fighting for your life. If you don’t like your doctor, get another one. I can honestly say all the doctors I have had along the way have been phenomenal. I don’t want anyone to live with regret and think, “what if.” I can look back to when this started for me and think why the heck did I wait so long before I looked into what this lump was?? I’m a nurse and made the biggest mistake with my own health which I am now paying for. I waited because I was busy with my life. Honestly, it sounds so pathetic but it seems we make time for everything in our lives except for what is most important which is our own health. So if you ever have any doubt , a lump, pain, anything get it checked out. I will do anything and everything to change the perception of who gets breast cancer , and will fight to raise awareness so that young people can have a better chance at having a long, fabulous life!

On a complete off note it was my hubby’s 34^th birthday!! Happy birthday, I love you so muchJ

Chris as a young peanut!

 

Side Effects

Side effects. Oh goodness, we all know that every medication we take can have potential side effects, and my favourite is when they go on to say that it’s “rare”. Yes, that may very well be my favourite word yet. It may be “rare,” however there is always that one unlucky soul that it happens to, and to them it’s a pretty big deal. So up until recently I was willing to consume any type of analgesic in hopes that it would alleviate my pain. One medication caused constipation and the other made me feel so drowsy that I felt like I was simply existing on a daily basis, and that is absolutely not the way I ever want to feel. So, although these were annoying side effects the best were yet to come!!

The one medication that I receive that has the most lovely side effects is Zoladex. This medication is given subcutaneous every 3 months and thank goodness it’s not more frequent because it is by far the biggest “subcutaneous” needle I have ever seen. A few weeks after I got this injection the pleasant side effects started. Essentially this medication is meant to shut down your ovaries and thus put you into early menopause. Since my cancer feeds off of estrogen this treatment is essential to ensure that we get things under control. Now a few weeks after this lovely shot I am now experiencing the side effects. Firstly, if you look this medication up on a pharmacy website(Lexicomp was my choice) and read the possible side effects I feel that some of the wording may need to be explained a little differently. So here is my perspective on how these side effects should be worded.

“Emotional lability”

Well if someone were to tell me that this was a side effect I would think it means you may become a bit moody. In reality what should be written is, “You will lose your f*ck*n mind.” I am not an overly emotional person, however I now find myself crying for very unnecessary reasons. The best example is when I went to buy gas the other day. Enough said. Nothing happened at the gas station, I wasn’t robbed, so why was I crying??? I have absolutely no clue, but that was one of many “Judit is going crazy” moments and would really love for it to stop, soon, before I get committed to a psych ward.

“Hot Flash”

You would think you get a bit over heated and within a couple minutes that sensation will pass. In reality what this means is, “you will become so overheated that it doesn’t matter if you take all your clothing off, you will still feel like you’re on fire.” I wonder if someone lit a spark close to me if I would catch on fire??  Good thing my hubby is a firefighter:)

“Headache”

We all get headaches so what’s the big deal, right?? Well, when you have a headache essentially everyday it starts to become annoying. When it feels like your head is being crushed, whilst having a hot flash, plus being emotional it really puts you into a great mood for the dayJ

Although these side effects are truly annoying I am more than willing to accept them as long as it helps stop this cancer crap from getting any worse. Now I get to start a new medication called Letrozole, also called Femara, which is also meant to decrease the amount of estrogen produced in the body. I am a smidge bit hesitant to start it as I fear it may push me into laying in the snow naked because I can’t imagine a hot flash becoming any worse then it already is. So I will wait until tomorrow to start it as I have plans for this evening, and getting committed to a mental health ward is not a part of my evening plans.

Overall, I feel good. My pain is not even comparable to what it was a month ago and I’m going to assume all the medications are feverishly working to kill off the cancer. I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist last week and because I have been feeling so much better with the pain she felt I didn’t need radiation which was a nice lil plus!! I have had some wonderful coffee dates with friends, good laughs with my hubby, and some great times with my nieces. Essentially everything that is most meaningful and important in life I have. Realistically what more could I ask for? Although the side effects of the medications are bothersome they are more than worth it as long as I continue to have many more great times with my friends and family. Right now things are good, and in the moment that’s all that matters.

　
I love this quote because I think it’s so true!!
 
If it weren’t for cancer, I’d say I have the perfect life.
If it weren’t for cancer, would I even realize this?- Phil Green

 

My bestie, Lex!! Don't worry we don't share a husband, we just refer to each other as sister wives since we are so similar!! Luv you buddy, you are an amazing friend!!!

My love bug!!!

My hubby, Chris

My princess noodle

The Perfect Response

As many of my friends are aware a couple of the most important people in my life are my beautiful nieces. After knowing for a few weeks about this cancer crap once again creeping into my life I felt an obligation to tell them about what was going on. Firstly, you must understand that these girls are smart and I knew my older niece had an inkling that something wasn’t “normal”. To understand a bit more about them, my older niece, AKA my princess noodle, is 9 years old and is intelligent, thoughtful, and very intuitive. Sometimes I feel as though she’s a 30 year old living in a 9 year olds body. I can sit and have some good conversations with her. Then I have my “love bug” who is 5 years old and as her nick name describes her, she is simply lovable, sweet, and has a huge heart.

I decided to sit down with my older niece, princess noodle, to tell her that the cancer was back because I felt she was old enough to sense something wasn’t right. Therefore, after a few weeks when I knew I wasn’t going to burst out crying I felt it would be a good time to tell her. The last thing I wanted to do was be a complete mess and scare the crapola out of her. I feel I need to mention how this conversation went because it was truly great. So I sat down with her and essentially told her,

Me: “ You know things are a little different lately, right?"

Princess noodle: “umm… yes”

Me: “Remember when I had cancer, well it came back but this time it found a home in my bones”

At this point my Princess noodle looked at me and then at the floor, all the while I knew she was thinking something.

Me: “What are you thinking?”

Princess noodle: “Well… It’s just that I was hoping you would say you were going to buy me cupcakes”

At this point I couldn’t help but laugh as it was really the best response I have had thus far! Don’t get me wrong if one of my friends responded like that I would probably think they are completely insensitive and ridiculously hungry, however I loved her response. Our conversation about cancer was over and we went to get cupcakes.

Anyone who knows me knows I love kids and this was the perfect example as to why. Kids are blatantly honest and they tell you exactly what they are feeling in that moment. This is the reason I work as a nurse in pediatrics. Kids are strong, resilient little people that I think we can all learn so much from. In saying this I must share what happened to me when I went for my bone scan because it reiterated why I will never work with adults again, NEVER. For a while I had contemplated whether I wanted to go back and work casual with adults. So Chris and I had gone for this test which was at the Foothills hospital. As we sat in the waiting room a lady possibly in her 60s came walking in with a walker. So there’s one word that you must remember, she was WALKING. Ok, so she goes to the front desk to check in and she says to the receptionist, “Am I able to go to the washroom?” The receptionist looks at her and says, “yes, absolutely the washroom is just behind you.” Now you must understand the washroom was possibly five feet away from her and she goes on to say, “Oh that’s fine I’m wearing a diaper, so I’ll just go right now.” I looked at Chris and thought what is happening?? On top of this there was a man continuously belching as though there was nobody else around him. I couldn’t have been happier to get the heck out of there!!! I told Chris right there that there was absolutely no chance in hell that I would ever want to go back to working with adults!! I felt as though I was in an institution with a bunch of people who felt that simply letting go of any inhibition whilst being in a public setting was somehow appropriate. For anyone contemplating for a second as to whether to work with adults or children, always pick children. You will learn the true meaning of strength and resiliency and they will always put things into the greatest perspective, even if it is something as simple as getting cupcakes.

 

 

The Damn Bell

 

I feel I needed to write a post about this bell that is symbolic of finishing chemo treatment. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about I’ll explain. When someone finishes their last chemo treatment they ring this bell to signify the end of treatment. Ahhh, sounds lovely doesn’t it? As if life goes back to what it was before, I f*ck*n hate that! Up until now I have had two herceptin infusions which is not chemotherapy but rather a targeted therapy. It’s a monoclonal antibody that interferes with the HER-2 receptor because my cancer was HER-2 positive.

 

The first time around with this cancer crap I feel I was very aware of the people around me when I went for treatment. You know that many of these people will never finish treatment, but they sit silently never saying a word to anyone around them. When I initially finished my last herceptin infusion I never rang the bell, but simply walked away because somehow I didn’t feel it would be appropriate to share my good fortune with people who may not be as fortunate.

 

Fast forward to today and that bell pisses me off even more. Now I have to choose my words wisely so I don’t sound like I’m a completely bitter, mean intentioned human being. This time around I am well aware that there isn’t an end in site in regards to treatment. Therefore, when I went for my first infusion and saw two separate people ringing this stupid bell as if it were the end of a damn school day, I wanted to take this bell from them and disassemble it. Actually who am I kidding, I wanted to throw it out the window!! I looked at the one lady in particular who was smiling from ear to ear and ringing it as if there was no tomorrow. I wish I could have taken a video to share with you all because it reminded me of one of those slow motion commercials where they are trying to promote a drug that can cause impotence, blindness, and death, but it works so well for your dry skin. You all know what I’m talking about, but who on earth would settle for a potential side effect of death?? I would much rather have some dry skin. Anyhow, now I’m going off topic but the point I’m trying to make is ringing that bell is comparable to a CEO of a fortune 500 company going outside and showing a bunch of homeless people how much money he has. It’s fabulous that things turned out well for you, however not everyone around you is in the same boat. Personally I find it a bit ignorant and obnoxious to see people express their excitement when others around them are simply struggling to stay alive. I remember sitting there, faking a smile as though I was happy for them while whispering under my breath to Chris, “just wait a couple years and you may be back here, don‘t ring that damn bell too hard”. I know that sounds awful and I would never wish cancer on anybody, but enough with this bell already!! If you want to celebrate, do it once you’ve left the cancer centre. I am very well aware of the unpredictable nature of this disease and would love it if people could simply be mindful of those around them. I think this goes with all aspects of our lives as we may all be ignorant towards something at some point, but sadly we are not aware of its effects on those around us to change our actions.

 

 

Thank You!!!

How can I even begin to say thank you for all the kind, loving words I have received thus far. When I decided to do this blog I thought it would be a therapeutic way to chronicle this “adventure”. I thought possibly a couple people would read it and that would be it. I feel so grateful for the amazing people in my life. I must say the absolute best, kindest, and amazing nurses work at the Alberta Children’s Hospital, and they exemplify the meaning of friendship and genuine caring. I am beyond thankful for everyone’s support and I feel your kind words have made this entire process something that is doable, and I am more than ready to live the best life possible! Thank you, and I love you all dearly!

The Day That Changed Everything

As someone who has never blogged, or even been on facebook i thought this would be the perfect time to start as a way to keep my family and friends informed about my craptaculous "adventure" that i'm about to embark on! Ok, i don't know if i would say it's an adventure because it's not like i'm taking a trip around the world (although that would be much more ideal), but rather i have been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. I was initially diagnosed with stage 3a breast cancer two and a half years ago when i was 26 years old and although it was a hard diagnosis to get, there was a light at the end of the tunnel that made it so much more bearable because it was "curable". This time around, it's no longer curable but i'm optimistic with the advancements in oncology that i will have a long and happy life:)

To give a little bit of background i had been having extreme pain to my sternum that radiated to my back for a few months that seemed to get progressively worse. By boxing day i had had enough of the constant pain so i went to a walk in clinic. That was my first mistake. I mean i should have known since i always hated their lack of thoroughness, however, in my mind i already knew what was wrong with me and i was simply going to ask for a stronger NSAID as i had thought i had costochondritis. Sure enough that's what the walk in clinic doctor thought and he wrote me a script for exactly what i had asked for, perfect!

Fast forward another month and sure enough the pain was only getting worse. A little voice in my head knew that this was no longer normal, but honestly i didn't want to accept the possibility of what else it could be. I decided after many continuous nudges, from some lovely friends with the best intentions, to email my oncologist. Sure enough he speedily decided to do a CT and bone scan. That was clue #1 when he got me in within a week that life may not be as sweet and peachy as i had hoped.

The day after getting a bone scan i went to meet with my oncologist. When i went to check in the lady smiled, asked for my name, and asked who i had an appointment with. Now don't get me wrong this lady seemed like a nice, friendly person, however as a patient who was already stressed to the point of wanting to vomit she used a couple choice words that left me even more stressed. She gave me a paper and said, "you need to go get bloodwork". I looked at her and thought, oh this poor secretary is confused as i did bloodwork a week ago and why would i possibly need to do it again? I simply told her, "no that's done already and it was fine". She looked puzzled, looked at the paper, and said, "no, actually it's STAT bloodwork. It's because you're starting treatment". I looked at her and kind of felt pissed off and told her, "No, not that i know of". She handed me the requisition and that's when i truly knew the cancer was back, although i wasn't sure as to what extent. I wonder how often a simple interaction with someone where words are spoken that end up changing a person's life?? I walked to get my bloodwork and at this point i was on the verge of wanting to vomit, burst out crying, or pass out. As i looked around i once again realized everyone there was more than double my age. These people were all old enough to be grandparents, and there i was with my sweet bald hubby (Chris) who appeared to look more like the cancer patient than me. These people got to grow old, and in a way i was jealous of them. How the hell did  i get myself into this super crappy situation?? I never did drugs, don't drink, and eat healthy, and yet these were the cards i got dealt.

When we sat down with my lovely oncologist to discuss the results; i already knew. Firstly, if you have to get cancer he is the oncologist you want because he actually seems like he cares about his patients, and in that sense i feel very lucky. He went on to tell me that i had cancer in my sternum, however also in my left hip and T7 on my spine. Those other two locations were a complete and utter shock. That's when i burst out crying. I tried to keep it together, however the realization of the reality and the scope of this diagnosis sucked.  I really don't know how else to explain it, but to realize that i will need treatment for the rest of my life for an incurable disease is devastating. So after many days of being mad, sad, confused, and a speeding and parking ticket, i decided to pull it together as i felt i had had enough of feeling like a mess. So i have decided that i want to have fun and laugh everyday. I will no longer waste my time on things that don't matter to me, and i want to inform my other youngish (under 40) females about the reality of this disease and the importance of early detection and prevention because this is by no means only an old person's disease.

I will keep everyone posted on the ups and downs, and everything in between as my life unfolds!!